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Growing Old Gracefully

 

My birthday is approaching.

I don't usually get all sniveling and worrisome. I mean, it's just another day, the digits changing.

"You're only as old as you feel"

Perky people like that have an awful lot of work done by the time they're 40. And I'll be 40.... someday.

Truth be told, I *am* healthier now than I have been since I was in my late teens/early 20's. Time has been "fairly" kind. As long as I'm dressed.

Ladies, remember the "pencil test"?

Determining your "pertness" by placing a pencil right under your breast and cheerfully watching it fall away when you let go, because you are so pert and young and firm. ( Or you simply have no breasts) Ahhhhh the glow on your cheeks believing you would always be that way.

Guess what, gravity exists and efficiently shows itself as time marches on. I think I can hold a pool cue now. Though I refuse to try on the grounds that if I can sail the 8-ball into the corner pocket holding the pool cue beneath my breasts, someone in the room will have to suffer. Of course I'm exaggerating, but it sure comes in useful when I have nowhere to set my spatula while I'm cooking.

And what's with wrinkles, anyway?

"Shows character"? Actually, it shows that the Oil of Olay company is probably full of crap. I've discovered this "laugh line" on my cheek. I've tried smoothing in more creams, flattening my palm against my cheek, oatmeal facials, short of ironing my face I think it's there to stay.

"But Dave, it just shows you are jovial"

*BAH* Just shows I'm getting old and the damn Oil of Olay company is probably full of crap.

I remember when I didn't worry about what I ate, when or why. If I wanted a burger with fries, I had it. And my cute little 20 year old butt didn't suffer a bit. What of those newlywed games of whipped cream fights and sweet massage oils?

"Oh just a minute, babe, gotta see if this is sweetened with Splenda and is safe for carbohydrate reduced diets"

Sounds a bit jaded maybe? I imagine now you are picturing some Heifer grazing on bean sprouts and scowling. Nah..

I am not about to undertake a Phyllis Diller face burning, or a surgical reduction of *any* sort. For one, it's not cheap, for another, I'm not into acid on my mug, or scalpels in my flesh by choice. I simply have a new storage facility built right into my chest for quick access during needy times. Great for when I have no pockets and need somewhere to stash the cellular.

With thoughts of Mork and Mindy, I have named my first wrinkle "Mirth" for it *is* a laugh line. Mirth joins the callous Wolfgang Hammerstein in Dave's new book: "A Real Girl's Handbook!" or commonly referred to as A.R.G.H!

For my birthday, I wanna go to the local comedy club and give Mirth her full coming out.

And who knows... maybe shoot a coupla games of pool.

 T O P

M O R E from D A V E

 

Unless otherwise specified, all material Copyright 2000 by Dave

     

 

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