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Tell a Friend A lady named

American Beer


What I really wanted was a cold beer and a cigarette.

I haven't been able to have beer in so long. Perhaps the next diet guru to come along will incorporate beer somehow in the diet so I can still lose 50lbs yet enjoy the refreshing barley lunch I've missed.

My computer was in the shop for 3 days. I got a new Pentium II 500. Since I couldn't lovingly run my fingers across the keyboard, I decided to spend the afternoon feeling alot of invigoration, speed at my fingertips, and raw power between my thighs.

I know some people don't leave the house for this.
I, however, took the new ATV 300 4x4 out of the shed to have a long, leisurely ride.

However, the moment I revved the engine, people came out of the woodwork. Suddenly my yard was filled with people, including kids, all wanting a ride. My long leisurely ride was cut down to hauling 5 kids in a trailer behind the bike for an hour with choruses of "Faster Dave!" "Go through the puddles!" "I lost my boot!" and "Alex spit on me!!!!"

By the time we were through, it was only me with a wet ass from the puddles, and I walked like I just got off a horse.

I deposited each kid to their respective parent, "borrowed" Mr Happy's wallet and headed to the liquor store. You should not drive a car immediately after driving an ATV.

I had to stop myself from tearing around corners, aiming for puddles and kicking the dashboard to gear up. I came back with a big bag filled with 26 oz vodka and a dozen beer.

For some reason, Mr Happy liked American beer. Here.. in the land of REAL beer, he wants Old Milwaukee. American Water. I would sit here last summer with my 7.2% bottle of real beer and mock his water.

I handed him the case and prepared to mix a drink for myself. He stops me, tells me the plans for the evening of a BBQ and bonfire, then hands me a beer. Sighing, I accept it.

We got the BBQ fired up, had the neighbours all join in, and sat sipping my US Water, while really wanting a real one. Mr Happy handed me another. US water. Bah. but I took it.

Later I advise Mr Happy that the cardboard in the fire is too wet, smouldering, sending black smoke billowing around us.

"Can't you DO something about that? We're choking up here!" I say, as I draw from my cigarette.

"Dave, did you know smoking can affect your hearing?"


"Nothing" He hands me another beer. US water. Bah. But I took it.

For two hours we sit around this fire.

Finally nature calls.

I stumble into the house, under the realization that this US water has actually caused me to become (dare I say?) inebriated.

Filled with new-found emotion, I re-enter my circle of friends around the fire, arms extended..

"You guys are my BEST friends!" I shout.

Mr Happy sits me down.

"The US water isn't so bad after all is it" He smirks.


The guest begin to depart.

"Dave, great bonfire, thanks!"

I nod and point to the sky "The galaxy is in Orion's belt!" They just pat my hand.

More people leave.

"See you later Dave, thanks for the bonfire!"

I nod. "Second door on the right"

Mr Happy walks me into the house, holding my hand.

"Are you hitting on me?" I ask hopefully.

He blinks.

"Just helping you into the house"

I sigh.


I make sure the demons are tucked in, undress and get into bed.

He follows.

I hiccup.

He kisses me.

"Are you hitting on me?"

"Yes" he smiles.

His only reply is my soft, deep breathing as I quickly fall into deep slumber.

American Beer. I'm so ashamed.

 T O P

M O R E from D A V E


Unless otherwise specified, all material Copyright 2000 by Dave



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