July 5

July 12

July 19

July 26

June 29-July 3

Salem, July 5,1998 It was a short week for DAYS, especially for me as a power outage prevented me from seeing the last half hour of Monday's show. In any case, here are some of the major events that occurred in our favorite little town.

Sami was walking on air at the prospect of announcing her engagement to Franco at the Brady/Horton picnic. On his end, Franco was pulling all the stops to make sure he can stay in this country. He presented a phony marriage license at his deportation meeting and the judge fell for it. She did warn him that his marriage to Sami would be under a microscope and she assigned an agent to follow him around. Doesn't the INS have anything better to do? How about sending some agents to our borders so that every Tom, Dick and Harry can't get in here!

John asked a friend of his to look at the picture of Hope and try to pinpoint the city where it was taken. He came up with three possibilities: Milan, Leon or Lugano. She plans to go to Lugano as she said that one gives her a gut feeling. Too bad she can't muster up some motherly feelings as the next time she has a scene with ShawnD, he'll probably be heading off to college.

Speaking of mother/offspring relations, Marlena tried to talk to Sami about her relationship with Franco and it went over as well as breaking wind in church. She basically told her mother to mind her own business and marry John so that she can set a good example for Belle and Brady. I was waiting for Marlena have some witty comeback like, "Well at least I don't have to drug John to get him to sleep with me." But we all know Marlena is too much of a lady to do that so she just let the Queen of Mean walk all over her again.

Carrie and Marlena tracked down Shelly Clark and it turns out she really does have a son with asthma. The boy had an attack while they were there and Marlena tended to him. I think it was this act of kindness that made her go to the board members later and confess the truth. Either that or she was just sick of Carrie's long speech espousing all of Mike's qualities.

Mike conceded to Craig and wrote a heartbreaking letter to the hospital staff, admitting his blame for using poor judgment and urging them all to work together.

Lucas drank himself through the picnic as he does with most events these days. He had a touching scene with Alice in which he decided to start calling her Grandma.

Billie wasted no time tearing into Hope at the picnic and blaming her for everything from Bo leaving to the appointment of Kenneth Starr as independent counsel.

Lewis and Winston went to the picnic to inform Craig and Mike of the board's decision. Jeez, why didn't they just have a sign made out of fireworks saying, "Mike's our man and Craig's a henpecked loser." I always thought those things were handled more discreetly.

Mike went looking for Carrie to tell her the news and they kissed on Alice's porch. I know I'm being repetitive but I always thought that those things were also handled more discreetly.

Other tidbits:

  • Bo and Swamp Girl seem to be getting along splendidly as every time he gets too close she whacks him upside the head. My kind of relationship.
  • Vivian continued her emotional roller coaster ride, courtesy of Stefano. He must have found a fourth button on the remote control because now when she laughs she sounds like Pinky from Pinky and the Brain.
  • Carrie was upset with Austin because he said that it was dumb of Mike to go to Shelly's room. She should cut him some slack, after all he was only expressing an opinion and if anybody knows dumb, it's Austin.

Happy Fourth of July.

That's all for this week.


July 6-10

Salem, July 12,1998 I am kicking myself as I write this week's column for reasons most of you will sympathize with. The one day when John and Marlena have a steamy scene, short as it may have been, my VCR decides to mess up and I miss it. Too bad it wasn't Mike and Carrie's kiss that I missed as that scene has been replayed so many times the Center for Disease Control decided to look into it to investigate just how many millions of germs must have been transmitted during a kiss that has lasted a whole week.

The Horton/Brady picnic continued and everyone joined in for a square dance lead by Vivian on a Stefano induced emotional high. She, of course, came crashing down soon after. It's too bad that whenever we get to see a scene in which that residents of Salem are actually having some fun it only lasts a few minutes. None of the small children, except for Will, were at the picnic. I guess when you have a drunk for a father and a nymphomaniac for a mother you are given more air time.

Lucas was arrested after Sami called the cops and told them that he was driving under the influence. The Salem police dropped every other case they were botching, I mean handling, and concentrated their elite manpower on a possible DUI. Lucas tested within the legal limit for alcohol but he was tossed in the drunk tank because of his smart mouth. Can you imagine what they would do to someone like me? I'd probably be on death row. He was able to beat the wrap and he swore revenge on Sami. She has her own agenda trying to see how she can get rid of Lucas once and for all. Lucas made it easy for her by drinking while he was playing with Will and dropping him. Poor little fellow.

Sami tried her sex kitten act on Franco and stripped for him.. Franco pretended she was someone else and was able to muddle through. He later kept insisting that they marry as soon as possible but Sami wants a big wedding.

It was finally revealed this week what Billie and Roman were up to in Paris during that undercover operation. It looked more like an "under sheets" operation. The only surprise in that scene was Billie's body which must have made Roman ask, "What the hell, am I going to do with this goddess?" I'm only assuming that he would have used the word hell as he does so seldom.

Craig and Nancy convinced Winston and Lewis to hire Carrie as the new PR director for the hospital. I wish those two would go back to California and buy some property near the San Andreas Fault Zone.

Bo and Swamp Girl got matching mud masks and continued their weird relationship. Those bayou scenes are so engrossing they make me wish I had a bladder control problem so I could leave the room every time they are on.

Maggie accidentally broke Hope's comb and they were able to see that it was handcrafted in Lugano, Switzerland. This made her more determined than ever to go there to look into her past. I still think she should get that beret and try her hand at painting for awhile. It would spare us the upcoming John/Hope scenes which will be a replay of the "Jungle Bungle" but with nicer scenery.

Stefano had lunch with Vivian at Chez Vous and he had her make a fool of herself in front of Steven Tate, the financial advisor. He told her he will not endorse her company but will continue to recommend Titan stocks to his clients. It looks like Kate won this round.

Mike and Carrie continued to struggle with their feelings for each other.

Nicole moved into the Vista View apartment building, once again staying one step ahead of Eric. Now all she has to do is stay one step ahead of Jay who called to remind her to keep her distance from Eric. Is it just me or do you all find this couple as bland as yesterday's mashed potatoes?

Other tidbits:

  • Roman decided to take the ISA mission and Billie wants to go with him.
  • Billie was asked to appear on The Jerry Springer Show. "My man doesn't want me but I still want to have a baby with him."
  • Sami was so happy with her "performance" she decided to write a book. It will be titled, "Stripping With Your Children in the House."
  • The hospital couldn't decide what to do with Craig now that he won't be C.O.S. so they decided to offer him a position in the security department since all he does is lurk around anyway, he might as well alert them to any illegal activities he might encounter.

That's all for this week.


July 13-17

Salem, July 19,1998 Sami hit an all time low this week when she accused Lucas of hitting Will. The hospital called Social Services and he was placed with Carrie and Austin until things can be sorted out. Carrie thinks Sami is lying but Austin believes her and this is causing a riff between them. I know you all are waiting for me to make some derogatory comment about Austin's gullibility or lack of intelligence but I'm going to take the high road on this and say that I'm glad there are people like Austin in the world whose judgment is not clouded by such cumbersome things such as a brain and common sense. So much for the high road.

Kate and Marlena drew lines in the sand and each decided to back her respective offspring. Marlena, who was having a hard time thinking clearly as a result of the fact that she hasn't made love to John in the last thirty-six hours, stated that Sami is a good and loving mother and that she will give her the benefit of the doubt. Kate made it clear to her that she will destroy Sami if she has to. Marlena must be wishing she were in Lugano right now.

Sami and Kate went at it again this week and Kate, who has been quite generous with the slaps in the past, decided to throw in some choking this time for variety. Franco got there just in time to break it up. Kate told him to side with her but he decided to stay with Sami, whom he adoringly referred to as, "The Biggest Bitch in Salem." It's a bit long for a pet name but it does describe her perfectly.

Nancy Wesley leaked Lucas' story to the paper so that Mike would be pursued by the media and Carrie would feel obligated to take the PR job to help him. Carrie, of course, took the job before she could discuss it with Austin. I think she can smooth things over with him if she offers to bring him home a bed pan so he can put his rubber ducky in it.

John and Hope arrived at Lugano and made some headway in their investigation. They showed the comb to an antique dealer who recognized it as part of a set which was stolen.
At first he wanted to have Hope arrested but then he said he would return the comb to its rightful owner. They followed the woman to whom he gave the comb and after taking a closer look at the house she entered, John realized it was the one in Hope's picture. The next day they were able to get into the house under the pretense that they are doing research for a book on architecture. The house belongs to a Mrs. Faversham who recognized Hope and called her Princess Gina.

Roman was furious with Billie who stowed away on his plane. Later they flashed back to their time in Paris. It must have involved a costume party because they were dressed like Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman and Roman was saying lines like, "Where I'm going, you can't follow and what I have to do, you can't be a part of." With cheesy dialogue like that, I'm surprised the smugglers didn't rub them out just on principle.

Eric ran into one of Nicole's new neighbors and she told him Nicole had just moved in. I'm sure she will have an explanation for this as she always does.

Sami hired Mickey to represent her in her case against Lucas. Kate hired the lawyer that got Lucas off on the trumped up DUI charges. Poor Mickey, I smell another public humiliation when he loses yet another case.

Earlene's boys were back to warn Swamp Girl about Bo but she threw them off his trail. Later, she and Bo were in a rainstorm and when the mud fell off his face she recognized him and called out his name. I don't know if I got all this as I kept switching channels to see a chess tournament. At least the players had clean faces.

Other tidbits:

  • Roman told his ISA superiors he might have to give up his assignment. It seems that between taking his Propecia for his receding hairline and the Viagra for the impending big moment with Billie he has no time for the mission.
  • Mrs. Faversham told Hans, her butler, to remind her to increase the coverage on her collection as she is afraid that if one of the buttons on Hope's tight shirt pops off, her treasures could be seriously damaged.
  • Carrie increased her cleavage and announced that she is sick and tired of all the attention Hope and Billie get. She wants everyone to know that the Brady girls are still in contention for the tag team Breast Bowl. The event will take place next month and will be sponsored by Hooters.
  • The ISA agent who let Billie board the plane was fired. Poor sucker, he should have known that a flight attendant who looks like that would only be working on Air Force One.

That's all for this week.


July 20-24

Salem, July 26,1998 Sami's plan to coach Will to say that Lucas hit him was stopped by Austin who had a moment of lucidity and prevented her from seeing him alone. I was so proud of him. Of course he ruined it later in the week when he blabbed to the social worker that he saw Will hitting his teddy bear and asked her if she thought that meant that he had indeed been abused by Lucas. Austin should refrain from attaching psychological significance to everything the little tyke does and tend to his marriage which is crumbling so fast not even crazy glue can keep it together.

Marlena went to see Carrie after hearing from Nancy Wesley that she had accepted the PR position at the hospital. She revealed to Carrie that she saw her and Mike kissing at the family picnic. She reminded her that she knows all about feelings that are so strong they cannot be denied. Jeez, where are the flashbacks when you need them! When she said that I was hoping we'd get to see John and Marlena on the conference room table but no such luck. Carrie insisted that she loves Austin and she would never betray him. Those words must have sounded familiar to Marlena as she said them herself so many times about Roman. Later, Carrie told Austin about accepting the job and he just walked out of the room. He probably forgot his line and went looking for a script.

Mrs. Faversham's recollections convinced Hope that she lived in Lugano as Gina so she set out to look and act like her, hoping someone will recognize her and shed some light on those lost years. All this stuff is as fascinating as a seminar on pocket protectors.

Billie and Hope ran into each other at a store in Milano and got into it about who is the bigger witch. I think the fact that Billie lied about where her miscarriage occurred and then blamed Hope for the tragedy makes her the winner hands down.

Lucas went to see Alice to ask for her guidance in dealing with his drinking problem and Sami's lies. Alice asked her grandson to move in with her and told him he must seek help for his alcoholism. Those were some of the best scenes we've seen in weeks.

Marlena was snowed by Sami's act of innocence and she decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. I think Marlena is in such a hurry to tie things up in Salem and join John in Lugano, she'd be willing to give O.J. Simpson the benefit of the doubt.

Roman and Billie went on with their mission, pretending to be a loud, obnoxious oil tycoon and his dumb, slutty mistress. Except for the tycoon part, I'd say they're pretty much playing themselves. Sorry, I couldn't resist that. Anyway, it seems that Roman also knows Mrs. Faversham from his undercover days and he went to see her with Billie. While they were there, Hope and John arrived.

Swamp Girl spoke but before she could utter a second word, Bo was struck by lightning. While he was unconscious she talked about having to tell to him something very important. She also had a flashback in which she saw a woman(Hope?) using the now famous compact. Later Wayne and Earl kidnapped her and told her that Bo is her enemy.

Kate went to Stefano to tell him about Sami's scheme to ruin Lucas and he offered to "take care of her". While he was consoling Kate, Vivian walked in and they got into another fight. Stefano tried to alter Vivian's mood but the transmitter's batteries were low so things got tense for a while until he was able to put her in an up mood. Unfortunately he left her in that mood and that precipitated her to sky dive with Celeste. Stefano's idea to put her in a normal state may prove to be disastrous as he changed her mood while she was in mid flight.

Eric confronted Nicole about her lies regarding how long she had lived in her apartment. She told him she had lived in the building for a long time but had just moved into that apartment. He bought her lies again. This is getting monotonous, folks.

Other tidbits:

  • With the onslaught of plunging necklines on DAYS, the producers are thinking of changing the name of the show. Someone suggested naming it "Boobwatch" but that idea was shot down because it would make people think of Roman, Bo and Austin.
  • Billie has said the line, "Hope if it weren't for you, my baby would be alive and Bo would still be with me" so many times in the last few weeks that my television set automatically mutes itself everytime she's on.
  • Nicole missed her Pathological Liars Anonymous meeting because she was with Eric, convincing him that she is Anastasia, the last heir to the Russian throne.


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