12/7/97 12/14/97 12/21/97 12/28/97

December 1-5

SALEM, December 7,1997 It was a very bad week for John. It started with him being forced to dine with Roman, Eric and Kristen. Roman rambled on and on about his future with Doc. Kristen delighted in playing the role of Mrs. John Black and was all over a disgusted John. The poor man couldnít stand it any longer and stormed out of the restaurant.

Later in the parking lot, Eric told John to stay away from his mother so that his father would have a chance to bore her to death. Things only got worse when John ran into Roman at the pier and he began grilling him about his relationship with Kristen. John almost broke down and told Roman everything but Marlena arrived and stopped him. Roman then invited John over to the penthouse for a nightcap and John reluctantly agreed. He and Marlena argued making me realized that one of the residual effects of Romanís illness is deafness. Johnís streak of bad luck culminated with Marlena returning his engagement ring. Poor John, if he owned a hat factory, babies would be born headless.

Kristen continued with her plan to get little Elvis. Frankly, I would rather let him be raised by a pack of wolves. Celeste, dressed like a Disney character, tried to find out what had Susan so upset.

Peter continued his journey through the jungle as the Incredible Hulk. He made it to Stefanoís compound safely, as it seems that the torso-less natives have abandoned the island. Dr. Rolf advised Peter that his illness was very serious and proceeded to work on a cure. This man should definitely be nominated for a Nobel Prize in medicine. He has a cure for everything except a bad accent.

Hope ran into Max at the police station and he told her about Billieís drug addiction. At first she didnít believe him. Franco tried to convince Hope that Max was lying but she began to think that was the reason Bo stayed so long with her in Rome. Itís amazing how a few weeks in the jungle have re-energized her brain cells.

Billie sensed Bo was pulling away from her since their return to Salem. She began to play on his guilt and convinced him to go back home with her. Once there, she tried to seduce him. He was saved by a call from Abe asking him to come back to the station. Bo ran out of there like the place was on fire.

Jenís ordeal continued. She began to see how deeply disturbed Travis really is. Jack was captured by a vigilante but convinced him to help him track down Travis as the guy has more hidden weapons then Saddam Hussein.

Sami continued her prying into Ericís life and they quarreled. They did, however, agree on one thing; keeping John and Marlena apart. Maybe they can start a club, as there are so many people in Salem who want the same thing.

Marlena despaired, as she didnít know what to do about her plight. So many men, so little time. Maybe she can have bigamy legalized and she can marry both John and Roman. Better still, maybe she can talk to the writers and remind them that they already went down this road before. For the money they make, youíd think theyíd be able to come up with something original.

Thatís it for this week.

December 8-12

SALEM December 14,1997 It was an interesting week as some of the characters decided to become comic book heroes.

Jack became Spiderman and climbed a steep mountain without the benefit of special gear. Not to be outdone, Travis became Superman and hurled gigantic boulders at him. Roman joined in the fun and created The Amazing Cretin. In keeping with his portrayal he found an explanation as to why John would give Marlena an expensive necklace. If Roman were arrested for impersonating a policeman, would there be enough evidence to convict him?

Kristen became the skimpiest clad resident of Salem wearing a tiny vest while everyone else was bundled up. She must have thick blood to go with her thick skull.

Susan had her baby taken from her in what must be the fastest adoption procedure in history.

Kate and Sami continued their friendly banter. Each was wanting the other to die a slow and painful death. Iíve heard of mother-in-law problems, but this is ridiculous. Austin vowed that he would find out what is going on between those two. Heís kidding, right? That guy canít find his way to the bathroom at night.

Jen made her way to Travisís cellar. Once there she decided to play Sherlock Holmes instead of high-tailing it out of there as fast as her feet could take her, go figure.

Hope and Franco argued about Bo. She thinks there is still a chance for them but Franco tried to convince her that Bo would only hurt her again. Canít someone find him a photo shoot in Iran?
Billie finally realized that Bo is still in love with Hope. It took less time to build the Pyramids.

John was unable to bring Peter back to Salem and decided to return home so that he could find a place to live.

Eric hoped that the items in a box stored at his grandparentsí house would make his mother love his father again. There must be LSD in there.

And finally something to ponder. If Celeste has such acute psychic powers, how come she didnít sense that it was Kristen in the convent and not Susan. My guess is that her radar was getting static from all the cell phones in Salem.

Well, thatís it for this week.

December 15-19

SALEM, December 21,1997 Christmas time in Salem is a time of wonderment. Things happen that make you say, "Only in Salem." For example:

Only in Salem can a man who until a few weeks ago was one of the most wanted criminals of the world walk through Salem Place and engage in cheerful chit-chat with all the people he once tortured unmercifully.

Only in Salem can a woman get together with her family to trim the Christmas tree and totally forget that her youngest child is not only missing from the festivities but doesn't even have a stocking.

Only in Salem does a mother tell her daughter to get pregnant to hold on to a man.
Only in Salem are children allowed to have total control of their parents' love lives.

Only in Salem are people with questionable mental stability allowed to adopt children without the slightest screening process.

Only in Salem can a man who deserted his family years ago expect to come back and pick up his life exactly where he left off. Not to mention, that his children are actually rooting for him instead of asking him, "Where the hell were you when Mom was possessed?"

Only in Salem do residents go around talking to themselves incessantly and no one thinks anything of it. This habit follows Salemites wherever they go. It doesn't matter if they are being held by a mad man or trying to climb a mountain. By the way, someone needs to tell Jack that climbing gear is used to affix yourself to the mountain not to be worn over your shoulder as that only makes the climb more difficult.

And finally, only in Salem can you find malls with no crowds and people dress like they belong on the cover of a magazine to go shopping. It must be great not to have to fight for a parking spot or to have to wait in line while some Bozo decides to pay with a check. In fact, it seems as though all these people do is sit around and drink hot chocolate at Johnny Angel's.

Well that's it for this week. I want to thank all of you for your kind comments about the column.

Happy Holidays!

December 22-26

SALEM, December 28,1997 Things got really ugly with the arrival of Tomas Banks in Salem. I mean that literally as he makes his sisters look like runway models.

Kristen continued her scheming to keep little Elvis but John, Marlena and Celeste were on to her. Looks like Santa brought some brains in his sleigh this year.

Roman bought Marlena the house they used to live in. He hopes this will solidify their relationship. He also continued his facial attacks on her. One of which John, who was with the kids, saw. Belle was heard to ask, " Why is mommy kissing that dead guy?"

Bo joined Hope and Shawn D for the traditional tree trimming at Alice's. His love for Hope was quite evident but his sense of duty kept him from telling Billie the truth. Too bad Billie isn't so honorable as she is hatching a plan to hold on to Bo. Since this is DAYS we are talking about, I think we can safely assume this plan will involve a pregnancy. Bo read the Christmas Story in the hospital this year. It made me remember how much I miss Tom.

Eric continued his infantile behavior. He took it to new heights when he insisted that the family take a picture with Santa. He accepted, as long as the twins weren't planning on sitting on his lap. Later Santa was heard to comment that maybe he needs to bring Eric a girlfriend for Christmas so that he can start acting his age.

Dr. Woo gave Vivian terrible news. It seems that Jonesey might outlive her. Poor Viv, all her plans to get her hands on the old man's money seem to be going up in smoke. She tried to get Sami to divulge the blackmail material she has on Kate but she refused. That Sami is not only mean but she is greedy as well.

Jack and Jen made it home for the holidays with the police and Peter still on their trail. Peter's strength seemed to be waning. Last week he was able to kill a tiger with his hands but this week when he beat up a forest ranger he hardly left any marks on him. His horrible headaches continued as he was unable to find Jungle Madness Excedrin. I'm sure Stefano has Dr. Rolf working on that.

Laura and Abby demonstrated how easy it is to fool the law in Salem. Even the FBI gets soft in that town. Maybe in the coming year they can hire some of the cadets from "Police Academy" to help get the department in shape.

Finally, as the year comes to an end I would like to wish you all the very best.

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