August 2

August 9

Jaycee on vacation for 2 weeks

August 30

July 27-31

Salem, August 2,1998 As someone who has watched soaps for many years I have to say that nothing livens up a long hot summer like a nasty court room battle, and Sami and Lucas' fight for custody of Will is getting very interesting. How can one not be impressed by the long pregnant pauses and the melodramatic antics of the lawyers? Not to mention judges who overrule attorneys so that they can ask all the scandalous questions themselves. It's the stuff daytime television is made of and we lap it up like weary desert travelers who finally arrive at an oasis.

Enough of the pompous literary babble and let's get down to business:

Sami's unsavory past came out in court. All her lies were brought up but she was able to conjure up a Madame X facade and insisted she was doing everything for her little boy. Stand by as the blackmail business is yet to be revealed.

Mrs. Faversham invited the hicks and the royals to dinner. The evening was so divinely entertaining that Hope fell asleep. At least that's what it looked like when Mrs. Doubtfire, I mean Lucille, drugged her champagne. Whatever she put in there took so long to work that if you need someone to pass out on Thursday, you need to slip them the micky on Tuesday. John, who is no slouch in the brains department, caught on to the fact that Billie and Roman are working undercover. Nothing gets by that man.

Billie is determined to use Hope's past as Gina to her advantage. She is sure that there is something she will be able to use to tear Bo away from her. Unless she plans on using dynamite, there is as much chance of that happening as of the DNA evaporating from Monica Lewinsky's dress.

Ivan jumped out of the airplane, without a parachute, to save his Madame. Vivian was rushed to the hospital and Mike ordered some tests, including an MRI. Knowing that this would erase the information on the computer chip in Vivian's tooth Stefano tried throwing his weight around to try to stop it. When that didn't work, even though we all know he has a considerable amount of weight to throw around, he had to resort to altering her mood so that she would sign herself out of the hospital.

Marlena's dinner party for her children at the Penthouse Grill was a disaster. Carrie and Sami were at each other's throat the entire night with Eric as the reluctant mediator. To make matters worse Mike showed up with Ali, giving Sami more than enough ammunition to unnerve Carrie. Marlena announced that she would be going to Colorado as Grandma Evans is having hip surgery. She further said that she would be willing to donate her own hip just to get out of Salem.

Mike gave Carrie an hourglass for her new office and told her that it was to remind her not to spend too many hours at the hospital. From the way she was fantasizing about kissing him, I'd have to ascertain that she will be using it to count down the hours before she and Mike embark on the inescapable affair.

Over on the swamp front, Swamp Girl remained in the cage but Bo was able to escape from Earlene's house where she had been tending to him while he was under the watchful eye of Wayne and Earl. Weren't those two in the movie "Deliverance"?

Other tidbits:

  • After their performance at the Penthouse Grill, the Brady girls were invited on American Gladiators.
  • Swamp Girl is suing DAYS for making her stay in that cramped cage when they gave Marlena a golden cage with her own bath.
  • Franco had to be rushed to the hospital when it was discovered that the huge amount of grease on his hair might seep into his brain. After the cat scan revealed that he has no brain, he was sent home.
  • Austin took the stand and told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Unfortunately, he was in the wrong courtroom so Will had to take him to the right one.

That's all for this week.


August 3-7

Salem, August 9,1998 Will's custody trial came to a climactic conclusion with the revelation that Kate had hired Franco to break up Bo and Hope and that Sami knew about it and used the information to further her career at Titan. In my book that's called blackmail but Kate called it a "mutual agreement" in order to cut her losses and save face in front of her children. Sami was awarded full custody of her son until Lucas can get a handle on his drinking problem.

Austin, who was asked by the judge to stay close to Will, decided to move into the Kiriakis Mansion with Carrie to keep an eye on things. He can't even watch boiling water but that's beside the point. The move did not go over well with Carrie. From the look on her face I think she would rather move into the Bates Motel. Austin told Carrie that Sami is a different person. That guy is so gullible that he makes Elmo seem streetwise.

Bo and Swamp Girl got out of the shed and she led him to a cave for safety. Unfortunately, he fell off a cliff. I'm sure he'll be all right. After all if he survived being struck by lightning, I'm sure a little fall isn't going to stop him from saving Swamp Girl from Earlene's boys.

Stefano revealed that Swamp Girl is the only person who can bring him down as she knows some very compromising secrets from his past. It seems he didn't have time to erase her memory like he did with John and Hope. In the meantime he continued to play with Vivian's moods, ignoring Dr. Rolf's innumerable warnings.

Nicole, who thought she was free of Jay and his jailbird friend for now, decided to make her move on Eric just as he met a girl named Taylor who works for a cleaning service. I hope this new girl can infuse this plot with some excitement because so far Eric and Nicole are as dazzling together as a documentary on paper weights.

Nancy and Craig conspired to keep Mike and Carrie at the hospital while Austin and Ali waited at the Penthouse Grill. What a coincidence that everyone wanted to eat there!

The Moroni Family hit man arrived in Salem. From the way he was putting the silencer on the gun, it looked like the Moronis get their goons from the same place Stefano does.

In Lugano, progress was minimal. Two nuns did recognize John as Father Black but he was too shaken to strike up a conversation. This lame plot is making even John go soft. Later he and Hope went to see Maurice Renee to talk about the theft of Garden At Twilight. When Maurice brought out a photo album of an art auction there was a man in the picture who was either John as a priest or John Lennon during the Yoko Ono years.

Sami dressed up as Marilyn Monroe for Franco's birthday after he told her Marilyn was his favorite movie star and she reminded him of her. Yes, and I look just like Marlena. The bag boys at the supermarket are constantly asking me for my autograph. Anyway, she sang Happy Birthday to him and was hit by the assassin's bullet. If he shot her in the face she'll be all right as she was wearing enough make-up to create an impenetrable shield and if he shot her in the chest I'm sure her built-in bullet proof vest will also save her.

Lucille broke into Hope's room and confronted her about being an impostor in front of Mrs. Faversham. Meanwhile, Billie planted a bug in Mrs. Faversham's home. They should have hired her to play Mrs. Peel as she is turning out to be quite a spy and she can certainly fill out those jumpsuits.

Other tidbits:

  • Mickey was contacted by O.J. Simpson after watching his Johnny Cochran mannerisms at the trial. He told him if he ever murders anyone else, he wants him on his defense team
  • The oysters of the world decided to unite and protest Kate's irresponsible use of their fallen colleagues.
  • Carrie was visited by Medusa who chastised her for using her hairdo without permission.
  • Lucille rolled her r's so much her tongue got stuck in the back of her throat and Dr. Rolf had to perform an emergency tracheotomy using the memory erasing laser. She seems to be fine except now she thinks John is Princess Gina.

There won't be a review for the next two weeks as I will be on vacation.

That's all for this week.


August 24-28

Salem, August 30,1998 Hope boarded the Empress Express with Mrs. Faversham thinking that maybe this will help her recall her life as Princess Gina. I understand her taking the trip. I just don't understand why she had to wear a gold Slinky on her head. She was recognized as Princess Gina by everyone including the Kaiser of Germany. He was really only the train master but his uniform was most impressive.

Stefano and Vivian also boarded the train with Ivan and Celeste following close behind disguised as the Swiss Miss and the chef from The Little Mermaid.(Oh, le poisson!) Not to be outdone, Vivian and Stefano decided to dress up as Jean Harlow and Count Chocula to eat in the dining car.

After Franco and Sami announced their plans to move to California Lucas schemed to kidnap Will. He took money from Kate's safe, as she keeps enough money in there to pay off the national debt and he sent some lackey from Titan to get passport for Will. That little boy is really lucky to have such mature, level headed parents. He will probably turn out to be the next Gary Coleman and go around slugging anyone who recognizes him. Next time Sami pulls a gun on Lucas, Will he should wrestle it from her and shoot both of them. There are some fates worse than being an orphan.

Marlena continued her blissful ignorance about Sami. She is so desperate to mend fences with that witch that she wouldn't turn her in if she found out that she was directly responsible for Princess Diana's death.

Carrie had a difficult week. Having to spend her anniversary with Sami is bad enough, but to have to listen to Austin go on and on about how he thinks Sami is Franco's victim really worked on Carrie's last nerve. She wouldn't care if Sami were marrying a reincarnated Attila the Hun as she is trying to see how she can keep Ali from making a move on Mike.

Eric organized a bachelor and bacherlorette party for Sami and Franco, or as they are known in Salem, "The Blushing Bitch and the Illegal Groom". The festivities were disrupted when Candy popped out of the cake. Franco, slick as ever, was able to convince Sami that he was only acting as a go between for Roberto who is too shy to go to the strip club alone. He forgot to tell her that he has also been "training" Candy for his friend.

Swamp Girl and Bo set the bayou on fire, literally. Bo, who was blinded by a swarm of bats,(don't even ask) turned over a kerosene lamp. At least this helped Swamp Girl conquer her fear of fire as her fear of being burnt to a crisp was stronger.

Kate got the goods on Franco and prepared to bring the wedding plans to a screeching halt.

Austin also had the goods on Franco but decided to wait until he had more proof. Clinton would have loved to have him as the independent counsel instead of that relentless Ken Starr.

Kim came home for the wedding and had the unsavory task of having to advice a delusional Billie to give up on Bo. She has a better chance of getting Boris Yeltsin to resign.

Other tidbits:

  • Lucille also decided to go to Bulgaria when she found out that there might be a resurgence of the Gestapo there and they are looking for women who can infiltrate the resistance as Whistler's Mother lookalikes. (I know this comes out of left field but remember that my brain has been baking in the sun for the last couple of weeks.)
  • A lynching party was formed to go after Billie if she asks again where Bo is.
  • The guy that Jay is always going to see in prison is someone Hillary Clinton hired to rub Bill out so that she can take her rightful place as president. When Al Gore explained to her that he is next in line for the presidency, she vowed to take care of him too.
  • Franco was inducted into The Amazing Kreskin's Hall of Fame when he was able to reach Roberto on his cell phone without dialing any numbers.
  • The staff at Salem University Hospital went on strike. They want to be able to do nothing and get paid for it. They got the idea from Nancy and Craig Wesley who do just that all the time.

That's all for this week.

Copyright © 1998, w3PG, inc.

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