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December 11-15

SALEM, DECEMBER 17, 2000 A flower becomes a sword and an idiot transforms into a gladiator. Where are we? In the Garden, of course. Ausdim, I mean Austin and Greta were transported to an arena and Sir Ivanhoe must now face combat to save the fair maiden's money and the orphans' home. Princess Gina and Curtis were on hand to make sure that the obligatory dead people made an appearance. Am I boring you? Probably not since I would have had to get your attention in the first place and with this storyline it is difficult to get people with Forrest Gump's IQ to even take an interest.

Hope spent all week continuously on the verge of telling Bo the truth since she's been on an honesty kick lately, but I guess that applies to other people and she can live a lie and make other people do that too just because she doesn't want her world turned upside down. Bo sensed something was wrong but couldn't decipher what it was. Newsflash: She can either deal with it now or deal with it later as John can be trusted to keep quiet about JT's paternity as much as Jesse Jackson can be trusted to support George W. Bush for re-election.

Abe continued on his bummer ride and even suggested to Lexie that they leave Salem and change their names so that they could escape the ramifications of Brady's tragic accident. She convinced him otherwise and was able to get him to talk about the past. He confessed to his affair with Faye but insisted he did not send Brandon's father to jail so that he could have her all to himself. Lexie told him he must reach out to Brandon and help him heal. That's like asking someone to help a nearsighted cobra.

Brady managed to alienate the entire staff at the hospital with his cheery personality and witty repartee. He even infuriated Chloe with his insults about her singing. If he had to be incapacitated why couldn't the accident have rendered him a mute? Victor was the only one who seemed to get through to him. He is scheduled to begin physical therapy. That will definitely be a must see, as I'm sure the nurses will be dousing the brakes on his wheelchair with Vaseline.

Jen opened up to Alice and told her the circumstances that landed her in Ireland. We of course, were not privy to what she said about Africa and Jack so we'll have to wait and see.

Sami pushed Brandon until he told her why he hates Abe. She defended Abe and tried to get him to realize how many people he will hurt if he continues with his vendetta. He refused to back off and she stormed out of his apartment but not before they had danced and kissed. She keeps insisting she loves Austin but her lips seem to be riveted to Brandon. She's her mother's daughter all right.

John went to see Marlena to tell her that he still loves her and wants to make their marriage work. The only catch is that he wants to tell Bo he is JT's father and that could mean that he may not have long to live. She welcomed his peace offering but asked him for some time so that she can find herself and make things right with Brady. I hope she waits until he is in better spirits as she might find herself wearing a bedpan as a hat.

Hope went to see John and Marlena to demand that they keep her secret. Marlena let it slip that John was on his way to see Bo, so she stormed out blaming everyone for her predicament and when she arrived at her house and saw John she threw him out. Bo was once again perplexed by her behavior but continued with the wedding plans. Is it possible that while Bo was in that pit with that rat, Stefano managed to interchange their brains? Good grief man! Wake up and smell the fornication fest that went on in that infamous submarine. Sorry, I'm emotionally drained from yelling at my television set.

Hattie's transformation moved along and Rolf brought in a team of cosmeticians to work on her so that Stefano could see what she would look like when the surgery is complete. Stefano was impressed by the likeness but was skeptical that she would be able to carry herself as Marlena and this worried him, as that is an integral part of his plan. It seems that not only does he want Hattie to take over Marlena's life but he also wants to get rid of Abe so that John and Lexie can raise Isaac. Another woman for John, how original.

In Teenybopper Land: Chloe pushed on with her plan to get back at Mimi. All the details were not revealed but it does include harsh chemicals. Maybe she's going to pour some Drano on Mimi's head so that the clogged filters in her cerebrum will finally become unclogged. We can only hope. Belle and Shawn went Christmas shopping together and even held hands. Can an official date be far behind? I'm as excited as I was before my last endoscopy.

Other tidbits:

· Hope was diagnosed as a compulsive liar.

· Bo was asked to join a special unit of the Salem PD, which will specialize in crimes that don't need to be solved.

· Abe was asked to play Scrooge in the town Christmas play. Marlena will play the ghost of Christmas unraveled.

· Sami recalled that she is supposed to be in love with Austin but could not quite remember what he looks like.

I will be on vacation for the next two weeks. The review will resume on January 7th 2001. I wish you all a joyous and peaceful holiday.

That's all for this week.

December 4-8

SALEM, DECEMBER 10, 2000 Kate met with Vincent Moroni to get him to go after Brandon and Sami. He later barged into Sami's apartment and told Angela that he saw Brandon and Sami at the Blue Note. He demanded that she tell him if she has something that Brandon wants and she admitted to having the tape. He said that he would take over and decide what to do with it. Sami finally persuaded him to let her have it so that she can regain custody of her son. Tough guy Brandon arrived in the middle of the commotion and convinced her that he was only being a good friend to Sami, and Angela fell in his arms again. The Gore and Bush teams could use Brandon for their hearing before the US Supreme Court, as he really knows how to throw the bull around.

Nancy finally got her wish and took over Marlena's show. She immediately began her Leona Helmsley routine of insulting everyone who called in but the listeners loved it. I guess Marlena's gentler approach doesn't fly in Salem.

Bo and Company arrived in Salem. Alice was delighted to see Jennifer and Abby and insisted that they stay with her. It's a good thing too since Bo and Hope are now living in Jen's house. Maybe that's why she and Jack split. He probably wanted to have them evicted and she refused. I know that's a pretty lame storyline but I wouldn't put it past the writers. Lately, they have been as creative as a bean dip. While Alice and Jen were getting reacquainted downstairs Bo and Hope were having a quickie upstairs. It was good to see that those two have not lost their passion for each other and that Alice can still see through them as she knew exactly what they had been up to.

Shawn D let it slip that Princess Gina had shot at him the day of the wedding and that started some very important dialogue between Bo and Hope which culminated in her telling him that she knows that he is not JT's father.

Nicole and Victor continued their little fling in his office and Kate almost caught them but the door was locked. This of course made her suspicious and she demanded that they open up. Victor put on an act of righteous indignation, which he does so well, and accused Kate of unprofessional behavior. This coming from a man who had just had a floozy sitting on his lap in his office while Kate and Phillip were across the hall. Victor had to be the one who told Clinton to ask Kenneth Starr what he meant by a sexual encounter. Kate later confronted Nicole and told her she won't get away with it to which Nicole retorted that she already has. I don't know if she was referring to the codicil she stole from Kate's office or to the fact that she and Victor have already been intimate. In any case it will be very interesting to see those two vipers, fang it out.

Faye and Brandon had it out about Abe and he admitted that he knows they had an affair and that is why he hates him. He thinks Abe put his father in jail so that he could be with Faye.

Abe was distressed by the news of Brady's condition and the realization that he has crippled two innocent boys during his career. He almost added a homicide to the list when he dozed off and Faye, who went to see him, broke a window to try to get to him because she thought that maybe he had done himself in. He jumped up, grabbed his gun and almost shot her. I don't want to add to his troubles but Abe makes Dirty Harry seemed restrained.

Brady's prognosis was somber, as Craig Wesley believes there is a strong possibility that he won't walk again. John was devastated by the news and pelted Marlena with accusations when she came to the hospital to try to make amends. He said that lives had been destroyed because of her hate and refused to even talk about the possibility that their marriage might be salvageable. A devastated Marlena began a downward spiral that made her doubt everything she has ever believed about herself. Maggie tried to pull her out of her depression but it was clear that this is a journey that Marlena must make by herself to try to discover when and why her relationship with her stepson became severed. I would venture to say that it might have been when he called her a lying slut or when he threatened her with a sword at Tuscany. But I'm just guessing.

Belle returned to school with an energy that makes it hard to believe she just had brain surgery. Another remarkable recovery most likely attributed to the incredible surgeons who worked on her without leaving a scar or having to shave off any of her hair. If I ever need surgery, and I'm sure many of you think I need it now, I am definitely going to Salem University Hospital. She and John kept a constant vigil in Brady's room and had a talk about what is going to happen to their family. John assured her that everything would be fine. She and Shawn seemed to get closer as he tried to comfort her about Brady and encouraged her not to give up her parents' marriage.

Jan, Jason and Mimi united to declare war on Chloe. They put a dead rat in her locker but Chloe bounced back and confronted Jan and Mimi. She was able to pin Jan down and proceeded to rub the rat all over her face. Mimi managed to get away but Chloe made it known that she is gunning for her too. Maybe they will think twice before messing with her again.

Hattie entered the second phase of her makeover when Rolf fixed her teeth in a matter of minutes. I will be filing a lawsuit against my children's orthodontist who insisted on using braces when this would have been so much more convenient and time efficient.

Other tidbits:

· Victor panicked when he lost all feelings in his legs then realized it was Nicole's bony butt that was cutting off his circulation.

· Jen insisted on paying Alice for room and board. She explained that she would be getting monthly checks from Bo and Hope for living in her house.

· Marlena pondered whether she should try to make things work with John or just wait for Hattie to take over her life and let her worry about it.

· In honor of his recent paternity, Abe is having his name changed legally to Trigger Happy Pappy.

That's all for this week.


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