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June 26-30

SALEM, JULY 2, 2000 Nicholas and Victor argued over Kate and who would make her happy. That's really a no brainer in my book but you know how they love to talk things to death in Salem. Anyway, Victor said that he would gladly step aside if Kate were in love with a real man. That comment went completely over Nicholas's head and he continued to assert how he could satisfy Kate in every way. An altercation ensued and the young Alemain got smacked upside the head and Victor fired him. When Kate saw the state Nicholas was in she made a date with him at the Blue Note to make her feelings clear. Unfortunately Kate, who is not exactly known for her strength, fell under the spell once again and Victor caught them in fragante. When a frantic Kate arrived at the mansion, she saw the servants moving her belongings out of the master bedroom and into a guestroom. Nicole made a comment and Kate slapped her. Nicole hit back and floored her. Later, Victor announced to Kate that there will not be a marriage but that they would remain under the same roof until Phillip is out of the house. With his bubbly personality, we could see Brooke Shields be funny first.

Eric rented Nicole's porno flick and went to see Roman to eat crow. Roman was sympathetic and after their tedious father/son chat Eric decided to enter the world of pornography so that he can find out the truth about Nicole once and for all. Doesn't he know what the truth is already? Nicole took him for a ride and he's an idiot. Oh sorry, there I go oversimplifying things again.

Hope was able to take the baby home after his condition improved somewhat but he is still irritable and crying out in pain. I think he may not have fetal alcohol syndrome after all but may be reacting to this incredibly lame plot. Hope worried that she has not been able to bond with the baby and feared that Gina might return one day. Oh please, anything but that!

John was summoned by Stefano to let him know that Hope's memory might return at any moment and that he should monitor her closely to head off the impending disaster. John did the usual complaining but headed over to the Brady home like a good little soldier. Those two are spending so much time together the neighbors are beginning to wonder.

Marlena returned long enough to counsel Belle on how to deal with the Mimi crisis and then she received a mysterious certified letter, which I'm sure, will take her away again. Can we blame her? Not even Gandhi could have endured such suffering.

Brandon and Sami went ahead with their undercover work at the strip joint although Sami seemed distracted by what Brandon had under his covers.

Austin tried to comfort Nicole who thought there might be something seriously wrong with her. In Teenybopper Land: Belle and Mimi reconciled but Belle was still in the dark as to what is going on with her friend. Shawn decided to ask both Mimi and Belle to the dance and they accepted. Phillip planned to dump Chloe as soon as they arrive at the dance. Jan and Jason, now an item, planned to ruin the dance for Chloe. Nancy became jealous of Chloe's easy rapport with Craig.

Other tidbits:

• John and Stefano announced their engagement and said they will pick put china patterns next week.

• Salem High crowned Jason and Jan as their king and queen when it was revealed that there hasn't been a more unpleasant couple since "The Donald" and Ivana split up.

• A gnat took a dip in the DAYS writers' pool of creativity and broke its neck.

• Victor underwent plastic surgery to see if they could make his lips curve up in the form of a smile. The surgeons gave up when they were unable to find his lips.

That's all for this week.

June 19-23

SALEM, JUNE 25, 2000 Rolf and Bart, who was dressed as a very unattractive woman, disposed of Marlo's body. Too bad she was dead, as I'm sure she would have gotten a kick out of seeing those two buffoons act out, " A Place in the Sun". I hope Shelley Winters never finds out that Bart was playing her part. Rolf then announced that he was leaving town until things cool down.

Things were anything but cool at the Dimera Mansion as Stefano persuaded Lexie to lie to Abe and say that Marlo left town with an old friend. Stefano laid it on thick and convinced his emotionally fragile daughter that an investigation would inevitably bring about the removal of little Isaac from her home. I use the term emotionally fragile as dimwitted seems a bit harsh.

Sami and Brandon kept up their ruse at the strip joint and convinced the manager to let them stick around and proceed with their business ventures. Sami, who is the worst hooker I've ever seen, continued her Lolita act and Brandon just helped to perpetuate the myth that Latin looking men love to mistreat their women. I was so bored I started watching a fundraiser on PBS. At least there, I got to see Bert and Ernie deliver more believable lines.

Nicole fell ill while at the Blue Note and Eric, who was there with Greta, became Florence Nightingale and took her home. Greta was not amused and she decided to give the young Brady his walking papers. I have to agree with her; if there is something I cannot stand are those "sensitive" guys who turn out to be nothing but indecisive weaklings who can't make up their wimpy minds. Stick to your guns, Greta. The next day, Eric who went to see his twin for advice, followed Nicole and discovered that she was seeing Dr. Bader for an undisclosed ailment. He was saddened by the prospect that she might be pregnant. He was thrown for a loop later in the week when he saw a picture of Nicole on the cover of a porno flick. It seems the video storeowner thought that Eric wanted the naughty version of Snow White to take to his girlfriend and instructed him to go to the backroom.

John hung around the hospital all week. I'm not sure if he wanted to see the baby or if he wanted to head Marlena off at the pass in the event she saw a family resemblance between he and the Brady baby.

Hope and Bo decided to name the baby after John. He tried to dissuade them from the idea but they would not hear of it. I'm sure one day they will all sit around a dinner table and see the irony and humor of the situation. Or maybe not.

Nicholas burst into Kate's office and shocked her and Lucas with the declaration that he loves her and intends to fight for her hand. Kate told him to back off, as she will never choose him over Victor. Speaking of Victor, he is on a new drug and told his doctor that he is beginning to feel some sensation. He booked a weekend getaway for him and Kate just before Nicholas arrived in his office saying that he knows about his impotence. I'm sure that comment was as popular as eating meat in India.

The tournament between Shawn and Phillip came to an end and the young Kiriakis had to ask Chloe to the Last Blast Dance.
She immediately declined but Belle, in her infinite wisdom, convinced her to rethink her decision as Phillip was obviously being sincere and he deserved a break. When will that girl learn to keep her big mouth shut and to stay the hell out of other people's business? Probably when Elian Gonzalez's relatives in Miami announce that they are giving up their fight to keep him here. Mimi continued her downward spiral into… oh that's right, we still don't know what she's into. At this point I would be more interested to know if Hillary plans to dump Bill on his can as soon as she elected to the senate.

Other tidbits:

• Nicholas told Victor that he could have Kate's hand in marriage as long as he gets to keep the other more important body parts.

• John won the prestigious Bela Lugosi Award after the impressive way he lurked around the hospital all week.

• Belle was asked to make an appearance on the new NBC show M.Y.O.B. She declined saying that she is too snoopy to even pretend for a half-hour.

• Marlena decided to stay away until the script is worthy of her return. The burning question is, will we see her again in this millenium?

That's all for this week.

May 29-June 2

SALEM, JUNE 4, 2000 I could begin this review by saying how boring DAYS was this past week but in order for it to fall in that category it would have had to pick up the pace a couple of notches. The last time I was so apathetic I was watching a special about PeeWee Herman's rise to fame. Even Jay Leno would have trouble getting some jokes out of this dud but here it goes.

Lexie and a still suspicious Abe prepared to adopt Marlo's baby. Rolf devised a plan to switch Marlo's baby and Hope's baby at birth. He had to dress up as the ugliest woman on earth to get into the hospital as a nurse so that he could stake out the place. We might not have long to wait to see just what the plan is as Marlo presumably went into labor. Warning: If you still have not seen Rolf as a woman, please burn the videotape!

Nicole worked on Lucas to try to get him to drink. I know I've said the same thing for weeks now but hey, I don't make the stuff up I just report on it. Eric and Greta continued the mating game. In other words, he wanted to mate but she resisted. Wow, a virgin in Salem who wants to remain one. Well, she wanted to remain one but then she was contemplating whether she should fight fire with fire and sleep with Eric so she won't feel threatened by Nicole. So much for virtue and having your own moral ethics. I knew they would ruin Greta, too.

Brandon bought slutty clothes for Sami and coached her on how to be a prostitute so that they could infiltrate the strip club and find out who was with Roberto on the night of Franco's murder. They should have gone to Kate and Nicole for some expert advice but that's another matter. Anyway, the lesson resulted in a kiss while a clueless Austin, who had just returned from Paris, waited with dinner from Tuscany in the oven. The irony of this may have been wasted on dim-witted Austin but not on his witch of a mother who turned up on Brandon's doorstep to see what those two were up to. Stay tuned.

Kate who is very concerned about Sami cheating on Austin, obviously does not employ the same scruples when it comes to herself as by week's end she was asking Nicholas to make love to her. Oh yes, the dear boy made a most triumphant return and Kate got out of her suit faster than Superman.

Victor summoned Rex to the mansion and demanded that he divest Nicole of her last two million dollars, pronto. Rex got on the phone and told her that her investments were doing magnificently well and that he needed more cash to use for another venture. She agreed without even asking for tangible proof that her original capital had indeed made a killing. Another shining star at Titan.

Bo and Hope decided to marry as soon as possible. They should have known that in Salem that means sometime between never and infinity. They toiled away trying to get their plan off the ground but the usual delays and unwanted visitors ensued and then Hope went into labor for the second time in two weeks. Can't they come up with something else?

John went back to the Dimera Mansion. This time he wanted to call off their deal. I wish he'd make up his mind. He is as ambiguous as Michael Jackson is about his sexuality.

Over at Belle Land: Chloe went to Belle's house for a sleepover. Nancy and Marlena joined their daughters for some frolicking fun! Did I just write that? Mimi ran into Nancy but refused to come clean about what is going on with her. Where the hell are that girl's parents? Excuse my Romanism. Phillip kept pushing Shawn to go through with the video game tournament as he felt confident that he would win and Shawn would have to take Chloe to the Last Blast Dance.

Other tidbits:

• NBC producers were distressed when people kept voting to cancel DAYS and didn't give a rat's ass about who is the father of Hope's baby.

• Barry Manilow was hired by Ken Corday to write a new theme song for DAYS. He was let go when the best he could come up with was, "I Write The Songs But Even I Can't Save This Crap".

• Marlo was asked to appear on the new game show, "How Vulgar Can You Get?" She will display her ample talents by belching and breaking wind on cue.

• Rolf was asked to come and live at Trump Tower. It seems "The Donald" is trying to give up women cold turkey.

That's all for this week.


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