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May 29-June 2

SALEM, JUNE 4, 2000 I could begin this review by saying how boring DAYS was this past week but in order for it to fall in that category it would have had to pick up the pace a couple of notches. The last time I was so apathetic I was watching a special about PeeWee Herman's rise to fame. Even Jay Leno would have trouble getting some jokes out of this dud but here it goes.

Lexie and a still suspicious Abe prepared to adopt Marlo's baby. Rolf devised a plan to switch Marlo's baby and Hope's baby at birth. He had to dress up as the ugliest woman on earth to get into the hospital as a nurse so that he could stake out the place. We might not have long to wait to see just what the plan is as Marlo presumably went into labor. Warning: If you still have not seen Rolf as a woman, please burn the videotape!

Nicole worked on Lucas to try to get him to drink. I know I've said the same thing for weeks now but hey, I don't make the stuff up I just report on it. Eric and Greta continued the mating game. In other words, he wanted to mate but she resisted. Wow, a virgin in Salem who wants to remain one. Well, she wanted to remain one but then she was contemplating whether she should fight fire with fire and sleep with Eric so she won't feel threatened by Nicole. So much for virtue and having your own moral ethics. I knew they would ruin Greta, too.

Brandon bought slutty clothes for Sami and coached her on how to be a prostitute so that they could infiltrate the strip club and find out who was with Roberto on the night of Franco's murder. They should have gone to Kate and Nicole for some expert advice but that's another matter. Anyway, the lesson resulted in a kiss while a clueless Austin, who had just returned from Paris, waited with dinner from Tuscany in the oven. The irony of this may have been wasted on dim-witted Austin but not on his witch of a mother who turned up on Brandon's doorstep to see what those two were up to. Stay tuned.

Kate who is very concerned about Sami cheating on Austin, obviously does not employ the same scruples when it comes to herself as by week's end she was asking Nicholas to make love to her. Oh yes, the dear boy made a most triumphant return and Kate got out of her suit faster than Superman.

Victor summoned Rex to the mansion and demanded that he divest Nicole of her last two million dollars, pronto. Rex got on the phone and told her that her investments were doing magnificently well and that he needed more cash to use for another venture. She agreed without even asking for tangible proof that her original capital had indeed made a killing. Another shining star at Titan.

Bo and Hope decided to marry as soon as possible. They should have known that in Salem that means sometime between never and infinity. They toiled away trying to get their plan off the ground but the usual delays and unwanted visitors ensued and then Hope went into labor for the second time in two weeks. Can't they come up with something else?

John went back to the Dimera Mansion. This time he wanted to call off their deal. I wish he'd make up his mind. He is as ambiguous as Michael Jackson is about his sexuality.

Over at Belle Land: Chloe went to Belle's house for a sleepover. Nancy and Marlena joined their daughters for some frolicking fun! Did I just write that? Mimi ran into Nancy but refused to come clean about what is going on with her. Where the hell are that girl's parents? Excuse my Romanism. Phillip kept pushing Shawn to go through with the video game tournament as he felt confident that he would win and Shawn would have to take Chloe to the Last Blast Dance.

Other tidbits:

NBC producers were distressed when people kept voting to cancel DAYS and didn't give a rat's ass about who is the father of Hope's baby.

Barry Manilow was hired by Ken Corday to write a new theme song for DAYS. He was let go when the best he could come up with was, "I Write The Songs But Even I Can't Save This Crap".

Marlo was asked to appear on the new game show, "How Vulgar Can You Get?" She will display her ample talents by belching and breaking wind on cue.

Rolf was asked to come and live at Trump Tower. It seems "The Donald" is trying to give up women cold turkey.

That's all for this week.

May 22-26

SALEM, MAY 28, 2000 Abe had another terrible week. First, he went to see Larry and the meeting went as well as Rudolph Giuliani's handling of his separation from his wife. Larry exploded and accused Abe of being there only to soothe a guilty conscience. Poor Abe had to back away and trust that there would be a better time to talk to Larry. That will probably happen when the Miami Heat follow through and win the NBA Championship. Things were also abrasive on the homefront with Lexie practically threatening him with ending their marriage unless he acceded to adopt Marlo's baby. Abe decided to take his losses and told Lexie he would adopt the little bundle of Gin, I mean joy. They headed over to the Dimera Mansion to see Marlo who was still nursing the biggest hangover since the liberation of France. A desperate Stefano ordered Rolf to give Marlo something to make her coherent and presentable. He injected her with something and then brought her to see Lexie and Abe. Her behavior was bizarre. First, she acted like she was going to hurl at any minute, then it looked like she was on crack, finally she collapsed. I wonder what Lexie will have to say about all this.

John went to see Stefano again. He's been there so many times in the past few weeks, I'm surprised he doesn't have his own room and chessboard, but I digress. He struck a deal with Dimera, which included John talking Abe into the adoption. In exchange for that Stefano said he would ensure that Hope never regains her memory. Later, at the penthouse, John told Marlena what he had done, conveniently leaving out why it is so important to him that Hope never remembers. Marlena remained clueless. She probably thinks John's irritability is a result of too much testosterone as I'm sure she has never seen a manlier stud. Too bad he's such a "girlie man" when it comes to being honest with his wife.

Bo and Hope's interminable first night in their new home finally came to an end and Bo reported back to work. I'm surprised anyone at headquarters recognized him. I think the last time they saw him there, Bush was still in office. Doug and Julie stopped by again and wanted to do some chores for them but it ended in disaster. They have got to give those two their own storyline if only to keep them out of Hope and Bo's hair. Alice and Shawn came by as Alice's stove broke down so they all had dinner together and Hope and Bo took the opportunity to ask them be in their wedding party. Earlier, Hope had asked Marlena to be her Matron of Honor. I'm sure they will both see the irony of that one day. And finally, as a perfect ending to a perfect evening, Hope went into labor.

Craig once again made us see how we can love him and hate him almost simultaneously. First he was a total ass with Lexie accusing her of letting her personal life interfere with the quality of her work. He even went as far as to suggest that her relationship with Brandon is scandalous. All this, from a man who had just been engaged in questionable conduct with his wife in her office and was walking around with his fly open. Then he turned around and called the hospital staff to an impromptu meeting to announce that Chloe is Nancy's natural daughter from a previous relationship and that he could not be prouder of the two women in his life. Chloe was mortified, of course, but Craig's heart was in the right place for once.

Eric took Greta to Green Mountain Lodge to get closer to her unaware that Nicole was there with Lucas, working on her plan to get him to drink. While Greta was delighted by Eric's attentiveness and admitted to him that she has sexual fantasies about him, she made it quite clear that for now she is not ready for the next step in the relationship. Too bad Lucas is not as strong in his convictions as Greta is. By week's end Nicole had him with a glass of Cabernet in his hand.

And now to the teenyboppers; Chloe saved Phillip's life by pushing him out of the way of a speeding car. This made him even more confused about his feelings for her. Belle convinced Chloe to start calling Nancy, "mother". Jan and Jason ganged up on Mimi who looked like homeless person. I know that Mimi's family is having financial problems but maybe she could try washing some her shirts out in the sink. Her hair seemed dirty also so their water heater must be broken. All this stuff is as fascinating as an exposé on defective paper clips.

Other tidbits:

Jan and Jason are in contention for Valedictorian and Salutatorian when their class graduates in two years.

Pepe Le Pew attacked Stefano's face thinking that it was a female skunk. Oh well, vive l'amour!

Phillip earned the distinguished Narcissist Award. Prince will present it to him at a ceremony in the Playboy Mansion.

That's all for this week.

May 8-12

SALEM, MAY 14, 2000 As Lexie wondered what other skeletons might inhabit Abe's closet, Stefano seized the opportunity to bring up the adoption issue again. He transformed Marlo from a chain smoking drunk to a sweet naïve distant cousin who got herself into trouble and is looking for someone to adopt her little mistake. Celeste, who returned this week, was wary of Stefano's motives and tried to get Lexie to see that she was asking for trouble. Lexie, however, went full speed ahead and planned a romantic dinner to convince Abe to adopt Marlo's baby. Abe brought up the fact of the baby's race and this sent Lexie into a rage and she called him a bigot. I don't think Abe's a bigot, however I do think Lexie has a point as the baby's color is the least of their worries when this child could be the next Damian from The Omen.

Hope and Bo moved into their new home with a little help from their friends. While they were all pitching in to restore the Brady domicile John's old demons flared up again, prompting Marlena to plan a little getaway for them. Didn't she just get back? If they make her storyline any smaller maybe she should consider going back to doing more movies on Lifetime. At least we would get to see her more often.

Austin, who is back at his job at Titan, whatever that was, went to Paris on a business trip. The car that was supposed to pick him up was delayed so Greta offered to take him. When they got to the airport they kissed by mistake as they both turned their heads the wrong way. They were both embarrassed and intrigued.

Nicole continued to work on Eric and told him about her horrible childhood. When Greta walked up to them in the park, Nicole made a date with him for later on that day. Greta asked him to dinner and he lied saying he would be tired after work. What happened to all that honesty he insisted on? What is it with Salem and lies? It must be something in the water.

Craig and Nancy went back and forth all week, wondering if their marriage could be saved. He finally relented, saying that while he feels betrayed, he still loves her and wants for them to be a real family with Chloe. Nancy feared that if news about Chloe's lineage got out her father might want to claim her. In spite of this possibility they decided to let the whole world know that Nancy had a daughter out of wedlock. Like this would be news in Salem.

Sami went to see Roman to tell him about Henderson's story concerning Roberto and the night Franco was killed. Roman decided to check out the club and see if he could find out anything. He is as sure that Lucas and Kate had something to do with Franco's death as that there are two l's in the word hell.

Brandon took Sami to his new bachelor pad, which is John's old loft but that's another story. They drank champagne, danced and almost kissed. They blamed a full moon for their wild behavior. I say they were just horny.

Lucas had a terrible week as he fought the urge to drink and Nicole tried to convince him that he is not an alcoholic. Yes Nicole and you are not a floozy either. Kate, dressed in a suit she obviously borrowed from Austin Powers, also fed his anxiety when she told him that they might not be out of the woods in the Franco Kelly case and that Sami is still out to get them.

Over at Sweet Valley High: Phillip reminded Shawn that they still have a bet. Chloe's feelings for Phillip disconcerted her and she told Belle that he was the guy with her at the docks that night. They all looked forward to the Last Blast Dance. I look forward to intravenous sedation.

Other tidbits:

Belle called the Salem Spectator to tell them that Phillip and Chloe might become an item.

Lexie bought oceanfront property in North Dakota.

AA said they would look in to Nicole's theory that it is all right for an alcoholic to have an occasional drink. The only problem was they could not find an alcoholic who could do that.

Hope's baby and Marlo's baby were able to communicate womb to womb and decided neither one of them wanted to stay in Salem after they are born. It's too scary!

Happy Mother's Day.

That's all for this week.

May 1-5

SALEM, MAY 7, 2000 The week started on the upbeat when Lucas announced that he was moving to Europe to get away from Sami and she lunged for neck. It occurred at the breakfast table in the Kiriakis Mansion after Victor reminded her that everyone had to leave his house. Nicole was horrified at the idea of moving to another country and have to play mommy to Will. She immediately put on her act of the injured party and declared to her hubby that he doesn't satisfy her needs. Even someone with the brainpower of lint would have thrown the little tart out on her ungrateful behind but Lucas apologized to Nicole and told her that he will be more thoughtful of her feelings in the future. Like Bugs Bunny would say, "What a moroon!" While he is wringing his hands about what to do to make her happy, she is mounting a full-blown campaign to get him to fall off the wagon.

Sami, hell bent on incriminating Lucas so that she can get full custody of Will, found her prayers being answered by a chatty Henderson who revealed that he remembered seeing Roberto at a strip joint on the night of the murder at the same time he was supposed to have been killing Franco. I thought butlers were supposed to be discreet. He must have been a graduate of the Joan Rivers School for Gossipy Servants.

Both Abe and Larry were shaken after their encounter. Larry decided to stay and go through with the suit, while Abe decided to resign from the force after he saw Lexie's disappointment in him.

Hope went to see John to thank him for helping to rescue her and then they engaged in a long, tiring, and pointless dialogue. She insisted that he tell her all he knows about the year she can't remember and he held on to his coffee mug and made as many face gestures as a mime at an art festival. Marlena arrived in time to hear Hope tell John that she needed him. She mistook that to mean that Hope had the hots for John again and she burst into the terrace and asked him if it was happening again. This made Hope even more suspicious and although John and Marlena tried to allay her fears, those two are as good at lying as the Church Lady would be at stripping. Suffice it to say that Hope left the penthouse with more unanswered questions than ever but when she met up with Bo she decided to put them aside for the time being as they look forward to moving into their new house. Which by the way, it's Jennifer and Jack's old house but no one made mention of that.

Tuscany was as busy as ever. Not only did Victor and Kate go there with Lucas but also Brandon and a reluctant Nicole showed up with Faye to celebrate her birthday. Victor, who seems to like Faye, insisted that they go over to say hello. When Faye and Kate were left alone they squared off about Nicole. Kate called Nicole a bitch and Faye retorted that it takes one to know one. Ouch.

Abe and Lexie also arrived at Tuscany and sat at the table Faye and her brood had just vacated. She immediately recognized Abe but he was too busy with the menu to even discern that she was there. Nothing gets past that man. Is it any wonder he's thinking about resigning? I have seen greater power of observation at a Mister Magoo convention. Faye was very hurt that Abe did not even notice her presence. I get the feeling that these two were more than just a passing acquaintance. Could Abe be Brandon's daddy?

Nancy told Craig that she is Chloe's birth mother and the "you know what" hit the fan. He ranted and raved more that Bill Clinton when he was told that this is his last year in office. I felt really bad when Nancy added insult to injury by telling him that Chloe is not his daughter. Will the Wesleys be able to put this behind them and save their marriage? Will Craig accept Chloe even though she is a constant reminder of Nancy's betrayal? Will Dr. Miller ever leave Salem? Stay tuned.

Phillip convinced Shawn to take part in a bet that has the loser taking Chloe to the sophomore dance. Belle kept slipping and telling everyone within earshot that Nancy is Chloe's mother. That secret would have been better kept by Entertainment Tonight. Geez, that girl has a big mouth!

Rolf found a woman to fit into Stefano's plans. She is his niece, Marlo who is pregnant and set to deliver her baby, a boy of course, at about the same time as Hope. He will switch the babies and give Lexie, Hope's baby so that he can be close to him as he grows.

Other tidbits:

Jack and Jennifer returned to Salem and threw Hope and Bo out of their house.

The Salem Police Department asked Abe to hold off on his resignation until they could find a replacement. They are presently engaged in negotiations with Kermit the Frog to take over as commander.

John's eyebrows went out of control and had to be sedated.

Craig founded The Spouse Is The Last To Know Club. Members include Billy Joel, Debbie Reynolds, Jerry Hall, Lou Diamond Phillips and Ivana Trump.

That's all for this week.


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