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SOULMATES It had been all Carrie could do to get through the planning meeting without breaking down. Having Mike so near her was overwhelming. She felt incredibly happy to see him but that was mixed with an overwhelming feeling of sadness about what might have been. If only she had said something to him back in Los Angeles. If only she had told him that she loved him. Even if he had rejected her, Carrie would have been set free with the revelation. Instead she was trapped in a marriage she didn't want to a man she no longer loved. She wanted to crawl into Mike's arms and cry until the pain went away, or at least until she felt sufficiently numb. Carrie barely remembered what that meeting had been about. She did remember the way the blond hair on Mike's forearms caught the light and how the shirt he was wearing made his eyes look bright blue. She remembered how much she had wanted to run her fingers through his hair. She had a hard time keeping her eyes off the base of his neck and remembered kissing him there and how salty his skin had been under her lips. How funny that they had been pretending to be boyfriend and girlfriend, and now it was one of the only memories of Mike she had to hold onto. Nine months later Carrie thought things couldn't get much worse. Working next to Mike was like sheer physical torture and incredible pleasure wrapped into one. Slowly they had regained some of their familiar rapport, but there was something new between them, some sort of unanswered question hanging in the air that sometimes created an unbearable tension. They worked side by side and shared in the triumph of making the lives of sick children more bearable. With the new drug cocktails they were seeing less deaths and more children being placed in good homes with adoptive parents who were prepared to care for a child infected with AIDS. Every success story brought Carrie and Mike closer together and this renewed closeness was a bitter reminder to Carrie of the bad decisions she had made. Around the office, Carrie was careful with Mike, never touching him too much, never leaning on his shoulder like in the old days, and soon they reached a mutual level of comfort. But sometimes, when they were alone, Carrie would look at Mike and thought she saw a hunger in his eyes, a raw and palpable wanting. Times like this the silence stretched between them, taunt like a rubber band waiting to snap, and Carrie felt like she couldn't breath. Was it possible that Mike felt the same way about her? Then something would break the tension, a child's cry, a volunteer requesting direction, and Carrie would snap back to reality. She wanted so badly for Mike to feel the same way that she imagined he truly did. All of this had widened the gulf between Carrie and Austin as she withdrew from him more and more. Carrie shook her head. She had to get back to doing the budget, and then she would have to go home to Austin. He had been feeling so shut out lately, and Carrie felt badly for him, but she couldn't tell him that their marriage was a sham and that she was in love with someone who didn't love her back. All the sudden Carrie felt fingers on the back of her neck, caressing the wisps of hair that had fallen from her ponytail. She was about to turn around when she heard Mike's voice. "Please don't--" he whispered as he continued to caress her neck. Carrie felt warm electricity run through her as her insides began to melt. She tried to take a breath but couldn't. Her eyes drifted shut as she enjoyed the feel of Mike's fingers on her skin. There was nothing but her and Mike, no Austin, no budget, just the feelings that reached through her making her ache for more. "I'm sorry." Mike took a piece of Carrie's hair and tucked it back into her ponytail. "This slipped out. I…." His voice trailed off. Carrie swiveled around in her chair and stared at him. Her eyes were wide open, unblinking and completely naked, filled with desire and love. The only sound in the room was their breathing and the patter of the rain hitting the window as they contemplated each other. It seemed like an eternity when Carrie finally found her voice. "Please." She whispered. "Oh God, Mike, please," She could no longer think of any words to say. Carrie got up from her chair and took a step closer to Mike. Only just a few inches separated them now. She touched his shoulders with her hands then caressed his throat with her fingers. His skin was soft and slightly damp under her fingertips. Her other hand was resting on his chest and she could feel his breathing. Mike dipped his head down and slowly, softly, their lips met. Carrie reeled from the pressure of his lips on hers. Her arms crept up around his neck as she pulled him closer to her and his hands circled around her back. Carrie felt like she was floating with Mike being her only point of contact. Suddenly Mike pulled away from her. "I can't do this." All the sudden he looked tired. "I can't do this." He repeated, this time more forcefully. He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than her. Mike ran his hand through his hair, and Carrie's heart ached at the familiarity of the motion. He stared into her eyes. I don't know if I am about to do the right thing or the wrong thing Carrie." Mike said seriously. He looked more serious than she had ever seen him. "I've always tried to do the right thing, with April and Robin, with Jeremy, with you, but for the first time, I am not sure." Then he took her hands in his and started talking. He told her so many things. About how he had returned to Salem feeling numb after Robin took Jeremy, and how he had thrown himself into his work. He'd worked until the days had blended into one and until he could no longer tell you what day of the week it was, or even what month it was. For three years he had kept this schedule: eating and sleeping just enough to make it through the next day. He had an ache in his heart from losing Jeremy that he could not fill. Then Sami's accident had thrown Carrie into his stratosphere. Mike told her how he'd been surprised how much she'd grown up. When they were younger Mike had always felt like her big brother, and he'd been surprised to find that time had filled in the gap between them. He told her how being around her made him a little more alive, that for the first time in years he actually enjoyed someone's company, and he didn't think of Jeremy constantly. Mike turned away from her and stared out the window. "You see," he told her, "somewhere
in that three months I fell in love with you." He paused then laughed a little. "I fell hard Carrie,
and it has been tearing me apart ever since." Carrie wanted to reach out to him, to tell him that she loved
him too, but his word paralyzed her. She stood still as Mike continued to talk. He had decided to tell her about
his feelings when they were in LA, but then she had gotten the phone call from Austin, and when they returned to
Salem she and Austin had been married. He had decided to forget her, and threw himself into his work again, but
he found himself looking for her everywhere he went, hoping to catch a glimpse of her at Salem Place, or at the
hospital. Then they had started working together at the Horton House. She could not imagine, he told her, the incredible
pain and joy he had felt when she walked into that meeting. He knew this was bad timing, but he thought if he told
her about his feelings he could finally start healing. He knew she loved Austin, and would never ask her to leave
him. Just look at this as a kind of confession, a purging of sins, he told her. Then he stopped talking and stood
in silence, staring out the window. The silence in the room was deafening and Mike felt sick. He was afraid to turn around and look at Carrie. In his mind he saw her standing there, eyes wide at the startling confession he had just made, then, wordlessly she would turn and walk out of the room and out of his life forever. Damn, he shouldn't have told her. She loved Austin and there was no use in confessing his feelings to her. It was just seeing her sitting in the lamplight, she had been so beautiful and had made his heart ache, and right then he loved her more than he had before. Then she had turned to look at him and something in her eyes, in the way that she looked at him, had moved him deeply and the words and feelings had poured out. He felt his gut twist again and put his hand to his stomach. A hand on his shoulder broke into Mike's thoughts. It was Carrie and she was still there with him. He turned around to look at her. She was standing in front of him with tears in her eyes. "Oh Mike," she whispered, "I was wrong, I was so wrong." She started to sob and collapsed in his arms and buried her head in his chest while she wet his shirt with her tears. They stayed like that for a long time. Mike held onto Carrie like he would never let her go. He was afraid to even take a breathe, as if by doing so Carrie would evaporate from his arms like she had in the feverish dreams late in the night when it was hard to tell what was real and what was not. She shook and shook against him and he tightened his arms around her even more, trying to absorb the incredible sadness that wracked her body, stroking her hair with one of his hands. Slowly she stopped crying her breathing became deeper and she heaved one last sigh against his chest. She was quiet for a while, and then Carrie lifted her head and pulled out of his arms. She stood there looking at Mike; her eyes were filled with so much pain that Mike's heart ached for her. "You don't know how much I wanted you to stop me from marrying Austin." She said, "I wasn't in love with him but I married him out of, oh, I don't know, obligation, or habit. Now I know it would have been better to be alone than to marry someone I didn't love." Carrie reached up to smooth Mike's hair away from his forehead and the touch of her fingers made him shiver. Then she continued. "This last year has been pure torture for me, and no better for Austin. I feel bad for him, married to woman who was in love with someone else." Mike's head had started to spin with every word that came out of her mouth. "Carrie, does
this mean what I think it means?" he asked her. She smiled at him and moved closer. "Does it mean that
I love you? Oh God, yes, Mike. I love you with all my body mind and soul. You are my soul mate, my true love, and
I was stupid not to see it earlier, so incredibly stupid. I've cost us so much time because of my blindness."
Carrie sighed and Mike pulled her closer to him. "We've lost so much time, how can you forgive me?" she
sighed against his chest. How could he not, Mike thought. He didn't care about anything except that they could
be together now. Mike didn't answer Carrie but tilted her face with his and slowly kissed her. Then neither of
them thought of anything as the kiss exploded red hot and electric between them. It was a kiss of homecoming and
promises all wrapped together, with the strength of the wind and the whisper of a long sigh. It was a kiss of two
lovers, torn apart and finally reunited. It was a kiss of hope. The figure outside the Horton House shook his head as he dialed a number on his cell phone. Inside Mike Horton and Carrie Reed were kissing passionately. Franco knew trouble when he saw it, and so, it seems, did his boss. Kate had asked him to keep an eye on Dr. Horton after Carrie and Austin had gotten married, and it had been one of his more boring tasks for Kate. That was until now. "Hello" Kate's voice came over the line. "Boss, it is me. I have some important news for you." Franco knew that Kate was not going to like what he was about to say. Copyright © 1998, w3PG, inc. |