Titan Gets Smart
(October 1996)

Austin and Carrie come into his apartment early one morning. The answering machine is blinking, so they turn it on.
Answering machine: Hello, Austin. We at Titan have just realized that you, Carrie, and Lucas have no qualifications whatsoever to work for us. Maybe you can get your jobs back after college. First you have to take the SATs at Salem Elementary School tomorrow.
Austin: Uhhh . . . Carrie . . . uhhh . . . why . . . uhh . . . are . . . uhh . . . they . . . uhhh . . . doing . . . uhhh . . . this . . . uhhh . . . to . . . uhhh . . . us? We. . . uhhh . . . did . . . uhhh . . . a . . . uhhh . . . good . . . uhhh . . . job.
Carrie: It must be another one of Sami's horrible schemes. We'll show her. Let's go take the test.
(On the way, they run into Lucas. They walk into the school together and nearly trip over Shawn-Douglas, who is sleeping feverishly in the hallway.)
Carrie: Shawn-D!
Shawn-D: Carrie! Have you come to take me home? Did my mom and dad finally remember me?
Carrie: Sorry, we're just here to take a test.
Shawn-D: Did you at least bring me some food, or a blanket?
Carrie: Sorry.
Shawn-D: That's okay.
Carrie: He's so polite! Bo and Hope have done a great job raising him.
Lucas: Want to come take the test with us?
Shawn-D: Okay.
(They go into the room where the test is being given.)
Teacher: The test will be over in four hours.
Austin: Carrie . . . uhhh . . . and . . . uhhh . . . I . . . uhhh . . . can't . . . uhhh . . . go . . . uhhh . . . four . . . uhhh . . . hours . . . uhhh . . . without . . . uhhh . . . having . . . uhhh . . . sex.
Shawn-D: (weak on his feet) I'm not sure I can stay conscious that long.
Austin: Be . . . uhhh . . . quiet . . . uhhh . . . Shawn-D . . . uhhh . . . this . . . uhhh . . . is . . . uhhh . . . important.
Teacher: I'm sorry. Let's begin to fill out the forms. Put your name in the first box.
Austin: I . . . uhhh . . . don't . . . uhhh . . . know . . . uhhh . . . my . . . uhhh . . . name.
Teacher: Be quiet. Just do the test.
(They do the test and get the results back the next day, as results come back much faster for friends of John Black.)
Austin: Yes! I got 100!
Carrie: Me too!
Titan Official: The test was out of 1600. You'll have to go back to preschool. But this Shawn-Douglas Brady got a perfect score. Do you know him, Carrie?
Carrie: No, but my Uncle Bo might.
Bo: (arriving with Hope) Did I hear my name?
Carrie: Do you know a Shawn-Douglas Brady?
Bo: No . . . do you, Hope?
Hope: No, but that would be a great name for our son if we ever have one.
Bo: Yeah, if we ever have one.
Carrie: Well, Austin, let's go to preschool.
Austin: NO!! Let's . . . uhhh . . . get . . . uhhh . . . new . . . uhhh . . . jobs. Lots . . . uhhh . . . of . . . uhhh . . . places . . . uhhh . . . would . . . uhhh . . . love . . . uhhh . . . to . . . uhhh . . . have . . . uhhh . . . us.
(They do get new jobs, at McDonald's.)
Carrie: Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order?
Stefano: Of course. Everyone takes my orders.
Carrie: Aren't you dead?
Stefano: No.
Carrie: I must be even dumber than they thought. How could you hurt those people? That's not right!
Stefano: The customer is always right.
Carrie: Right.
Austin: Right . . . left . . . right . . . uhh . . . I'm . . . uhh . . . confused. (to a newly arrived Laura, Mike, and John) Hi, may I take your order?
Mike: This woman is going into labor!
Austin: Huh?
Laura: He hasn't come home from work in the last six months. He's having a hard time adjusting.
(Austin gives Mike a hamburger. Mike tries to give it an appendectomy.)
Laura: Mike, let's just have some tea.
Carrie: We don't serve tea.
John: No tea! This must be a DiMera plot, and that's a fact.
Stefano: Oh no! I'll have to sneak by all of them. (He puts on a pair of glasses, and no one recognizes him.)
Manager: How dumb can anyone be? I want you out of my store.
John: Is that a fact?
Manager: Yes. You all belong in daycare.
(They go to a daycare place, and discover Will, Belle, Brady, Philip, Abby, and Ben. Austin takes Will to a make up SAT, and Will gives him all the answers. He gets his job back and they live happily ever after.)

THE END
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