Kristen's Baby
(October 1996)

Most of Salem is gathered in Kristen's living room when Tony walks in.
Tony: Hi, did anyone miss me?
John: I'll kill you, you bastard, and that's a fact!
Tony: Relax, John. I've brought tea.
John: Well, I'll forgive you for sending me to the gas chamber if you brought tea, and that's a fact.
Kristen moans.
John: She's going into labor and that's a fact! Have some tea; tea fixes everything, and that's a fact!
Marlena: John (gasp) we (gasp) should (gasp) call (gasp) Doctor (gasp) Bader.
John: Why not Mike?
Marlena: He (gasp) left (gasp) town (gasp) because (gasp) he (gasp) got (gasp) tired (gasp) of (gasp) giving (gasp) free (gasp) medical (gasp) help (gasp) to (gasp) all (gasp) of (gasp) his (gasp) "friends".
(Suddenly Mike enters. His hair has grown past his shoulders and he has lost a dangerous amount of weight.)
Laura: (alarmed) Mike! What happened?
Mike: The hospital wouldn't let me leave because I'm Marlena's friend and your son. They said I had to do your jobs, too, until you showed up, and you were in Paris. When I finally got ahold of Marlena, she hung up on me. Kristen, just relax.
(Mike calmly delivers Kristen's pillow.)
Kristen: Don't tell John.
Mike: John is smarter than he looks.
Kristen: He'd almost have to be.
John: (entering) Is that my baby? He looks just like Kristen! And that's a fact!
Mike: That's not your baby.
John: Huh?
Mike: Never mind. I'm going to get a haircut. (He leaves, and John proudly shows off his baby to his friends. Jack, however, has slipped out the back door, followed by Peter. The two begin to fight, and are nearing exhaustion when Tony arrives and pulls Jack off of Peter.)
Peter: (gloating) Ha ha, Jack. Your brother never comes back from the dead to rescue you!
Tony: Jackdeveraux must die. Yes, Jackdeveraux must die. And Johnblack, too.
Peter: We'll just do Jack for now.
Man: Not so fast!
(The man steps out of the bushes. It is, of course, Jack's "dead" brother, Steve Johnson. He is pointing a gun at Peter and another at Tony.)
Jack: (to the house) See, Jenn? No one in my family really dies, either! (to Steve) Are you okay? No amnesia or anything?
Steve: I just have a little amnesia. I can't remember which eye my patch goes on, so I wear patches on both eyes now.
(They walk back to the house, slowly, because Steve keeps walking into things. Everyone is glad to see Steve, but Bo seems upset.)
Bo: We used to call you "Patch", but now we'll have to call you "Patches", but that's Shawn-D's dog's name, so I'll be confused.
Hope: Shawn-D doesn't have a dog.
Bo: Yes he does. Joey's parents got it for him to protect him when they aren't around. He sleeps in it's doghouse-boat so he won't disturb us.
Shawn-Douglas: I try not to disturb you.
Bo: Did you hear something?
Hope: No.
Shawn-Douglas: I'll make them love me more. (He puts a tablecloth on his head and begins to moan.)
Bo: I wonder who he is, and what's wrong with him. He can come live with us.
(Shawn-D smiles under his tablecloth. )

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