|Salem Christmas My Way
Warning: No offense is intended to the traditional Days Christmas episode, Sesame Street, Elmo, Jean Shepherd's Christmas Story, or the Chipmunks. Offense IS intended to your average episode of Days. Merry Christmas, Days fans. You deserve it.
Stefano is in the house Peter built with Laura as his captive.
Stefano: I want it. I must have it. And Stefano DiMera gets everrrrrything he wants.
Laura: What now? Marlena? Rachel?
Stefano: No. Tickle Me Elmo.
Laura: Oh. You would have had a better chance of getting Marlena or Rachel, Idiot.
Stefano: That's what you think, Idiot. I have people. (He pulls an Elmo doll out of his coat.) Maybe I wouldn't have killed all of those people if I had had an Elmo doll.
Carrie: (outside) What was that noise?
Stefano: You are beautiful, but you betrrrrrayed me. (throws Elmo out the window)
Carrie: Oh, an Elmo doll! I really wanted Elmo barrettes, but this is a good Christmas present for me. Austin? Did you do this?
Sami: Please. Austin can't even tie his own shoes. And I'll take that (she grabs Elmo and walks off)
Carrie: (in an annoying whine) Oh, Elmo, what if we're never together?
Austin: Uhhhh . . . I . . . . uhh . . . would . . . . uhh . . . have . . . . uhh . . . got . . . . uhh . . . an . . . . uhh . . . Elmo . . . . uhh . . . for . . . . uhh . . . you . . . . uhh . . . but . . . . uhh . . . I . . . . uhh . . . though . . . . uhh . . . you . . . . uhh . . . would . . . . uhh . . . rather . . . . uhh . . . have . . . . uhh . . . sex.
Carrie: Austin, you know me so well. Hi, Jack. What do you want for Christmas?
Jack: I want a Red Rider BB gun.
Carrie: Jack! You'll shoot your eye out. Austin, let's go have sex.
Jack: Jenn! Where are you? We have to take Abby to play with Belle and Brady.
Jenn: We're right here. I was just sick of listening to you whine about the Red Rider BB gun. You can't have one. You'll shoot your eye out. (as they arrive at the DiMera Mansion)
Abby: Where are Belle and Brady?
John: Belle? Brady? I think you have the wrong house. And that's a fact.
Kristen: They're your kids.
John: Oh, I forgot. And that's a fact. I was just thinking about Kristen being pregnant, and that's a fact.
Abby: Kristen doesn't look pregnant. She looks like she has a pillow under her dress.
John: Kids sat the stupidest things. And that's a fact. Belle and Brady are upstairs. That might very well be a fact, but I'm not sure. They might be at the Pub, or the Hortons', or outside, or maybe their nanny took them home to be with her family for Christmas.
Marlena: All (gasp) I (gasp) want (gasp) for (gasp) Christmas (gasp) is (gasp) John.
Jack: Marlena, I know how you feel. All I want for Christmas is a Red Rider BB gun.
Marlena: Jack! You'll (gasp) shoot (gasp) your (gasp) eye (gasp) out.
John: Well, let's go help the Hortons decorate their tree. They've invited most of Salem, and that's a fact.
(They arrive, and watch with all of Salem while men with chain saws cut off the front door of Alice's house. Jack sees Billie off in the shadows, so he goes to talk to her.)
Billie: Jack, you can't have a Red Rider BB gun. You'll shoot your eye out.
Jack: I know, I know. I just wanted to see why you were off by yourself on Christmas Eve. And why are they cutting off the front of the house.
Billie: Alice thought my presence would upset Hope. They're also cutting off the door for her; her chest wouldn't fit through.
Jack: That sounds terrible for you. Wait, why are you smiling?
Billie: Because I got a job! With my voice, I can sing with the Chipmunks and I don't even need a voice synthesizer.
Jack: That's great, I guess.
Billie: (walking off, singing) I want a plane that loops the loop. Me, I want a hula hoop.
(Inside, everyone is looking at presents. Jack sees one with his name on it.)
Jack: Wow, it's a Red Rider BB gun. Jenn, can I go play with it?
Jenn: Yes, but be careful. (a few minutes later, she hears a yell) Did you shoot your eye out?
Jack: No, I shot Peter's eye out.
Jenn: Peter is dead. (she sees Peter) Oh, I guess he isn't.
(In the spirit of Christmas, Peter tells Jenn that Jack was right about him. Jack and Jenn live happily ever after. Then Jack wakes up. It was all a dream sequence.)
Disclaimer: This page is for entertainment purposes only
and has no affiliation with Days of Our Lives, Ken Corday, or NBC. The characters and storylines parodied are under
copyright by them and are used without permission here. The parodies themselves are written and copyright by me.
Again, this page is intended to be fun, so please don't sue me.