Thursday, December 23, 1999

Hope and Stefano have been imprisoned.
Hope: Tell me the date.
Stefano: No.
Hope: I'm serious.
Stefano: Well, okay, if you're SERIOUS, it's Christmas Eve.
Hope: We have to be home by Christmas. Through my special mental link with Bo, I can tell that dark has fallen in Salem on Christmas Eve. Meaning that at the earliest, it's five o'clock there. France is six hours ahead of Central Time and seven hours ahead of Mountain Time. So we have at most one hour! Get working, Stefano!

MEANWHILE, Chloe is on her way to New York City.
Chloe: No one will ever find me in New York. I mean, that would be like having all of the residents of a small Midwestern town just happen to run into each other in Paris or Rome or Louisiana. (Gives money to the Salvation Army.) Those who have been given so much should give some back. As should those who have just stolen a few grand from their grief-stricken unknowing stepfather and dying biological mother.

MEANWHILE, Bart and Rolf still need to neutralize the computer chip in John's head.
Rolf: Stop eating those cookies! You're getting crumbs in my sophisticated computer equipment!
Bart: So I guess we can't stop John now, huh?
Rolf: We must! The best time to try to get someone from an enormous family that celebrates holidays together alone is Christmas Eve.

MEANWHILE, Marlena holds a special holiday therapy session.
Gina: Do you have a problem with my making love to Bo?
Marlena: Actually, yes. It has long been a goal of mine to have every male in Salem drooling over me, and now that Roman never comes around anymore, I'd like for Bo to take his place. Now, Hope, are you going to defeat Gina?
Gina: Of course.
Marlena: I suppressed your Hope personality. I should only be dealing with Gina.
Gina: For someone who hasn't been seen in her office for years, you're pretty sharp.

MEANWHILE, Craig is also at the hospital.
Abe: In your statement about the accident, why did you not mention a young girl?
Craig: Sometimes I lie just for the fun of it.
Lexie: Abe! What are you doing? Don't be so mean to poor, innocent Craig who I was cursing out two days ago because he ran Mike Horton out of town.
(aside) Please, God, I won't do anything bad for a whole hour if Nancy comes out of her coma. Starting after I finish lying to Abe about Chloe, of course.

MEANWHILE, the Bradys are all at the Pub.
Greta: Eric, I saw that condom in the picnic basket. That's why I'm not speaking to you!
Eric: But I would never put a condom in a picnic basket!
Greta: No?
Eric: No. I keep them in my wallet.
(turning) Will, these toys are for homeless children. Do you understand?
Will: Yeah, I'm about four years old and I never say more than one word, which is usually "Mommy," but I understand completely about homeless children and charity, Uncle Eric.
Sami: Good boy, Will. Christmas is about sharing what you have. I got Kate to share her house with me, and Mom and John to share their money with me, and Austin to share his marriage with me- well, not anymore because Carrie didn't like sharing and left town, but you get the idea.
Shawn-They-Gave-His-Name-To-Another-Character: Sami, I'm glad you have Austin in your life. I'm so proud of the way you spent years interfering with your sister's marriage until you got what you wanted.
Austin: And uh I uh would uh never uh hurt uh Sami.
Roman: Please be careful anyway. She is head over heels in love with you.
Austin: What uh makes uh you uh say uh that?
Roman: The fact that she drugged you into bed before she was out of high school, broke up your assorted weddings to your sister, lied about the parentage of her son, faked amnesia and paralysis to keep you close, and told everyone who would listen over and over that she's better for you than Carrie was.
Austin: If uh I uh start uh spending uh lots uh of uh time uh off uh camera, will uh I uh grow uh a uh brain uh too?
Roman: Don't hold your breath. Better yet, do.

And on that note:

End of Show
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