Wednesday, December 22, 1999

Only three shopping days left until Christmas. Don't bother. Read Wednesday's Synopsis instead.

Our show begins at Titan where, thanks to Victor's return, there actually IS work getting done.
Victor: (to himself) I'm back! Back in every way but one. If I marry Kate, it will be in name only. Everyone knows a marriage isn't a marriage unless it involves sex. And sex isn't sex if you're paralyzed from the waist down.
Vivian:
(arriving) Victor, I've brought your physical therapist.
Victor: Good, as long as it isn't that Taylor girl. I can't believe they let her take on physical therapy patients before she started college.
Vivian: Well, she was locked up for malpractice. That's why you don't see her anymore. Brandon and Nicole don't even mention her because they're so embarrassed about it.
Victor: Thanks. By the way, I'm tearing up that check you wrote to my son. Don't you know what happens when you spoil children like that?
Vivian: I spoiled Nikki like that, and you were just talking about how wonderful he is last night. He would never to something like try to seduce your almost-wife-wait, never mind. But what should I tell Philip?
Victor: The truth?
Vivian: The what?

MEANWHILE, Bart mistakenly paralyzed Doctor Rolf while aiming for John.
Bart: Rolf! I thought you would die! Just because we were planning to inject John with that stuff doesn't mean it isn't fatal.
Rolf: You idiot!
Bart: No one calls me that but Mr. DiMera!
(Gets a dreamy look in his eyes as he thinks of Stefano.)

MEANWHILE, Stefano himself is being held prisoner.
Stefano: Gina, I will kill you! Did you think that stupid wig would fool me?
Hope: It always seems to work on John.
Stefano: Don't be cute, Gina. And I know that you're Gina, because it makes perfect sense to kidnap me and then lock yourself in the room along with me. Oh, hell, you really are Hope, aren't you?
Hope: Bingo. So, why is Gina doing this to us?
Stefano: How would I know? I mean, unless it's because I locked her up in this same room and brainwashed you to take over her life.
(turning away) HELP!
Hope: The room is soundproofed.
Stefano: So why can I still hear you?
Hope: And they left us bread and water.
Stefano: Oh no.
Hope: Tell me about it. We'll be locked in here for Christmas.
Stefano: That's not the problem. I just hate Wonderbread.

MEANWHILE, Gina is gloating with Lili.
Lili: If everything is okay, tell me why you flew to France and back last night. And while you're at it, tell me how.
Gina: It's much easier now that the Concord stops in Salem. Which is just a small, Midwestern town, you know. And now I can settle down to a calm, simple life with Bo, marred only by evil twins, children who become adults overnight, demonic possessions, innocent relatives being sent to executions, and the weekly vigil at the hospital for whichever friend stepped in front of a car this week.
Lili: You do realize that eventually, someone will realize that you are not Hope Williams.
Gina: If Shawn-not-Douglas gives me any trouble, I shall lock him up as well!
Lili: Oh, Gina, you are such a wonderful person. Merry Christmas.

MEANWHILE, the aforementioned Shawn-not-Douglas is at Salem Place.
Bo: Shawn-not-Douglas! I haven't seen you since before I went on my trip. But here you are. I'm such a great Dad; I see my high school aged kid almost every week. Don't worry, though, soon the three of us will be a family again. Shawn-not-Douglas: Three? But what about my sister and brother, Marcia and Greg?
Bo: Damn! Did I forget how many kids I have again?
Shawn-not-Douglas: Got you. Ha ha.
(Bo growls.) It's funny if you have a sense of humor.
Bo: There is nothing funny about this ordeal your mother is going through. You are just unsympathetic because you've never had to deal with anything like your mother dying and your father having a death wish, your mother coming back from the dead at least twice, your father's torrid affairs with women he never quite married, or being shipped off to boarding school and ordered not to come home. It will take time for Hope to adjust to being your Mom.
Shawn-not-Douglas: The last time she showed up in Salem as Gina, she had me calling her Mom even before there was any proof that she was Hope.
Bo: Stop confusing me with the facts. Christmas just isn't the same without Fancy Face. Sure, it was stunningly similar with Billie, but it wasn't the same. I mean, the woman involved had a different name!
(nearby)
Kate: Philip, are you embarrassed that your father and I aren't married?
Philip: Kind of. Shawn-not-Douglas's parents aren't married, and Belle's parents just got married a few months ago, so sometimes I feel different.
Kate: Do you also feel different because your family has so much money?
Philip: Again, technically Shawn-not-Douglas could be an heir to the Kiriakis
fortune, and Belle is one of three heirs to an entire country, so I feel different because we have a lot of money. But I know that people like me for me, and not just because I always pay for everything.
Kate: And you know that because you never do pay now that you have thugs after you because of your gambling debts?
Philip: Yup.

MEANWHILE, John and Marlena celebrate Christmas Eve with all of their children-well, with one out of four, anyway. One out of five if you count Carrie. One out of six if you count Greta. One out of seven if you count DJ. One out of eight if you count Donna. One out of nine of you count, well, never mind. It's John, Marlena, and Belle at the Penthouse, okay?
Marlena: I think something is wrong with Hope.
John: Maybe she's being held captive in a French castle along with Stefano DiMera while the Princess Gina that she impersonated for five years takes over her life.
Marlena: No, that's silly.
Belle: Shawn-not-Douglas told me he was upset about Hope, too.
Marlena: And this makes you think he's upset about Hope?
Belle: Yeah. I can't imagine why.
(Belle calls Shawn-not-Douglas, who quickly arrives.)
Shawn-not-Douglas: Hi, Doctor Evans. You notice I am no longer calling you Aunt Marlena even though you're the mother of two of my cousins and the stepmother of two more. But we can't have it looking incestuous when I start to hit on Belle.
Marlena: I understand completely. So, you don't think that Hope is really your mother?
Shawn-not-Douglas: She just does everything that Dad wants. Which should be proof enough that she isn't Hope!
Marlena: Shawn-not-Douglas, I'm worried that you feel you have to fix this. You don't. Just sort out your own feelings. Your father loves you. I'm sure he won't call you a jerk if you tell him how you feel.
John: And if you want proof that Hope isn't Gina, I can just go up to her and-
Marlena: ABSOLUTELY NOT!
(quietly) Not that I think Hope is Gina. Nope, nope, nope.

End of Show
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Disclaimer: This page is for entertainment purposes only and has no affiliation with Days of Our Lives, Ken Corday, or NBC. The characters and storylines parodied are under copyright by them and are used without permission here. The parodies themselves are written and copyright by me. Again, this page is intended to be fun, so please don't sue me.
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