Friday, November 26, 1999

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! And now for the latest episode of
Days of Our Lives 90210.

Our show starts at the high school dance, of course.
Shawn-not-Douglas: Belle, say you're here with me. There's nothing wrong with a guy having two dates.
Belle: Yeah, if you're talking about those things they put in candy bars! Get lost, Shawn.
(at microphone) I have something to say to Belle Black. You're MY date.
Mimi: How sweet! Philip is saving Belle from an awkward situation.
Shawn-not-Douglas: Which he caused.
Belle: Shut up, Shawn. Philip is a good, nice guy, unlike you.
(still at microphone) Belle, I'm sorry you thought I ditched you. I was stuck somewhere where my cell phone didn't work.
Shawn-not-Douglas: Now can you see he's lying?
Belle: Shawn, you're just mad that he's nicer than you. Sometimes cell phones don't work. Have you noticed your parents or mine using cell phones in foreign countries and in tunnels and in the woods and in hospitals near sensitive equipment?
Philip: Mr. and Mrs. Black, may I date your daughter?
John: Sure.
Marlena: Honey, won't that be a little weird? Philip's father was your ex-wife's father, so now Belle is dating your half-brother-in-law and her half-brother's half-uncle.
John: No, this is fine. It's not like she was, hypothetically, dating Shawn-not-Douglas who is cousin to her brother on her father's side and to her brother and sister on her mother's side and who calls us Uncle John and Aunt Marlena.
Marlena: Yeah, I've heard that this kind of inbreeding can result in extreme stupidity.
(thinks over the events of the past few years) Sure, Belle, date whoever you want. We've got nothing to lose.
John: By the way, you don't mind having your parents at the dance even though we promised not to come, right?
Belle: Whoever heard of a teenager being embarrassed by having her parents at her school, especially at a school dance, especially making out at a school dance?
Mimi: Yeah, in fact I'm sorry my parents aren't here to watch me throw myself at Shawn. Dance with me?
Shawn-not-Douglas: Mimi, guess what? I know I took you top the dance, but I flatly refuse to talk to you for more than one second or dance even one song with you.
Mimi: You are so dense. Just dance with me.
Shawn-not-Douglas:I'm not dense. Just repulsed by you. Now, let me change my clothes so I can become Shawn-Travolta and ask Belle to dance instead of you.
Nikki: Kate, you need to forget Victor and Philip.
Kate: True enough. What kind of trouble could my catatonic husband and my spoiled teenage son get into if I never look out for them?
Nikki: Let me run my fingers through your hair. And hopefully take it out of that awful ponytail.
Kate: Yes. And kiss me while you're at it. I've been fighting my attraction to you since you got back to town.
Nikki: Not when I was in town the last time?
Kate: You and Shawn-was-Douglas-at-the-time were the same age then.
Nikki: Funny how that happens.
Bo: You can't interview my wife just because she looks like Princess Gina. It's not like she's Princess Gina impersonating Hope.
(laughs hysterically while Gina/Hope faints)
Marlena: Don't worry, I always carry smelling salts. You never know when you're going to be kidnapped or gasp so many times you hyperventilate.
John: I got rid of the ISA for now, Hope.
Bo: Then let's go back in! These kids know how to party!
Marlena: Exactly what I want to hear from the chaperone.
Gina/Hope: Did we remember to spike the punch?

MEANWHILE, Nancy and a social worker are chatting unhappily.
woman: This Other Person is involved. You didn't think you could buy your way out of this, did you?
Nancy: I'm sorry about This Other Person, but if I didn't think I could buy my way out of this I wouldn't have a suitcase full of money.
woman: I know you're worried about your marriage, but how long will it be perfect if you're lying to your husband about This Other Person?
Nancy: My lying ability is one of my husband's favorite things about me. I never want to meet This Other Person.
(storms into the hall and hears someone whom we'll call Chloe singing opera)
Nancy: Who has that beautiful voice?
woman: That's your daughter.
Nancy: Oh no!
woman: What?
Nancy: If she likes classical music, she must have been fathered by Stefano!

MEANWHILE, Victor and Vivian are taking down the evil doctor.
BadDoc: (pulling off Vivian's disguise) I know who you are and what you're up to!
Vivian: Yeah, right. I've been a bad guy, and lemme tell ya, the bad guys NEVER catch on this quick.
(BadDoc moves to kill her) Except you, apparently.
(Victor gets up and bashes BadDoc on the head.)
BadDoc: Huh?
Victor: I know it's hard to believe, but I used to kill people all the time before I turned into a wuss and had a stroke from looking at a stupid blackmail photograph. Wanna hear about the time I fed my nephew drugs to ruin his sex life? Or the time I ran Jack Deveraux out of town?
BadDoc: Maybe later. Hey, how is it that I'm not drunk any more?
(he's hauled away)
Victor: How can I ever thank you, Vivian? It's not like you've ever expressed an interest in me or anything of mine.

End of Show
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Disclaimer: This page is for entertainment purposes only and has no affiliation with Days of Our Lives, Ken Corday, or NBC. The characters and storylines parodied are under copyright by them and are used without permission here. The parodies themselves are written and copyright by me. Again, this page is intended to be fun, so please don't sue me.

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