Monday, August 16, 1999

Happy Monday! Start your week off the right way-- with a none-too-accurate summary of Days of Our Lives. And donít forget to visit the Days poll and inform the geniuses at NBC that Austin Peck canít act.

John and Marlena are at their penthouse, making out.
Belle: Ahem.
Marlena: Weíre not alone, we shouldnít be doing this.
John: Iím glad we learned something from the way we raised Sami.
Belle: This is neat; most of my friends come from broken homes, but I have a nice normal family. My father met my mother when he was brainwashed to act like the father of my half-siblings and my honorary sibling, who is old enough to be my mother. Then he married another woman and had my other half-brother, and then he had an affair with my mother that produced me and caused my half-sister to go over the edge and kidnap me, which must have been a neat trick as Iím apparently only a few years younger than she. Then, of course, my father impregnated yet another woman and tried to marry her while my mother was locked in a wine cellar.
John: Itís the American dream, all right.
Marlena: Iím sorry I canít join you two for breakfast; I just got a call from the hospital. Thereís a staff meeting.
Belle: Hospital staff. You. I see no connection.

MEANWHILE, the haunted castle of Princess Gina was an expensive set, and Days is going to use it.
Real Gina: I wanted John to save me, and I clung to that hope.
Kurt: It is easy to cling to Hope, what with those two big--
(They are interrupted by Eric and Greta.)
Eric: We havenít gotten out of the first room of the castle or found any definite clues, but letís go check out the cemetery. That makes sense.
(He gets a phone call.)
Bo: (on phone) Eric, the life Stefano invented for Princess Gina is like nitroglycerin. It could blow up in her face.
Eric: Do not attempt these comparisons unless you are a professional.
(clutching his head) Whatís wrong with me?
Eric: That could take all day.

OVERVOICE: We will return to the second half of Days of Our Lives in just a moment.

Announcer: What would you do to get a poptart?
(sneaking one into the kitchen on a clothesline) Apparently not go to the store and buy one, or ask my Mom for one.

Toilet Paper: Hi, Iím Kleenex Cottonelle. Iím toilet paper. Iím talking. It might be a good idea to do what I tell you.

MEANWHILE, Nancy is strutting around the hospital singing "Hail to the Chief," but Carrie is less than thrilled as a reporter badgers her.
Carrie: Here I am in my office, yet I canít throw you out. Itís a good thing places like hospitals donít have security.
(entering) Get away from my sister!! (reporter leaves)
Carrie: Thank you, Sami.
Sami: Oh, donít thank me. I just came here to tell you off, and I didnít want the reporter horning in on my territory.
(They leave the office and run into
Mike and Marlena.)

Marlena: Come on in.
Carrie: Well, since this is my office, I think Iíll accept your gracious invitation.
Marlena: What were you doing?
Carrie: Moving out. Leaving my job. I mean, it only made sense to throw it away after sacrificing my marriage for it.
Sami: What happened to standing by your man?
Marlena: She has so many that sheís always standing by one or another of them. She canít lose.
Marlena: Any idea what the staff meeting is about?
Sami: Well, I was at the party last night when Mike was publicly humiliated and Craig was asked to become chief of staff, and now Carrie is leaving her job, but no, I have no idea.

MEANWHILE, Ali is at Salem Place, spending her settlement.
Ali: Mother, you have no sense of humor.
Claire: No.
Ali: Why, look, itís Carrie!
Carrie: Youíre surprised to see me?
Ali: Well, you were at the hospital in the last scene, and Iíve been here, so either Iím frozen in time or you can magically get from one place to another instantly.
Carrie: You really are crazy.

End of Show
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Disclaimer: This page is for entertainment purposes only and has no affiliation with Days of Our Lives, Ken Corday, or NBC. The characters and storylines parodied are under copyright by them and are used without permission here. The parodies themselves are written and copyright by me. Again, this page is intended to be fun, so please don't sue me.

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