Tuesday, July 20, 1999

Today's show begins at Titan.
Assistant: Kate, you'll do great in today's meeting. You'll charm the pants off the bankers.
Kate: I usually do get along with men because I get their pants off. Hey! Did Sami Brady tell you that?!
Assistant: No, of course not. I'm just an extra who's here so you can have an actual conversation instead of just
talking to yourself.
Kate: Thank heaven for that.
Assistant: So, do you need anything else.
Kate: Just Victor. I need his help. I can't run his company by myself. I've done everything I think of to help Titan: giving jobs to my uneducated children and then not requiring them to come to work except to pick up paychecks or the company plane, scheming against a lovesick teenager, cursing Vivian . . . and yet Titan is still losing money.
Assistant: At least Vivian is dying. Lexie said so.
Kate: Lexie? Who's that?
Assistant: Wife of the police chief. Young doctor.
Kate: I think I remember seeing her a long time ago. I guess she has no reason to lie. Except the fact that she's a DiMera daughter and they all lie eventually, but you can't blame me for forgetting that since I haven't seen the woman in months.
Banker:
(arriving) Miss Roberts, we've made a decision. You can't have a loan. We came all the way down here for a meeting to tell you that.
Kate: I've had family problems--
Banker: We don't care.
Kate:
(disbelieving) I'm not the center of the universe?

MEANWHILE, Kate's oldest son is at home.
Austin:
(to phone) Carrie . . . is . . . with . . . Mike? No . . . message. We . . . wouldn't . . . want . . . any . . . actual . . . communication . . . going . . . on.
Sami:
(entering) Austin, help me get some incriminating evidence against your mother!
Austin: Sami . . . you . . . can't . . . open . . . that . . . letter.
Sami: How can you possible say that after I spent years going thorough things of yours and Carrie's much more private than letters?
Austin: Uhh . . .
Sami: It's from Rosa, Roberto's sister.
(Reads) Dear Miss Raa-berts, H'I am wri-ting to thank hue wance again for tha ma-ney hue gafe my famaly. H'I know hue only gafe ass this ma-ney because Roberto canfessed to Franco's murder when e dih nah cammit tha crime since hue and Lu-cas were actually guilty. Hue mast be gla Franco is dead, sice hue hired him to brea up Boanope an e almost keeled Jeel an e did keel that man on the island and then snuck into the morgue to dis-guise tha bady and e was meexed up in drags as well. Laaf, Rosa.
Austin: See . . . it's . . . not . . . incriminating.

MEANWHILE, the hospital has been rocked by scandal.
Nancy: Craig, I'm afraid Carrie may never forgive Mike. She only had that affair with him because she thought he was perfect. She's never made a mistake, like cheating on her husband or believing that Sami killed Franco or jumping into bed with Lawrence Alamain. So why should she tolerate mistakes Mike makes?
Craig: Nancy, who cares? I want to turn their love boat into the Titanic.
Nancy: Say, did you hear about the presidents on the Titanic? Reagan says, "Evacuate the ship!" Carter says, "Women and children first!" Nixon says, "Screw the women and children!" And Clinton says "Do you think we have time?"
(nearby)
Claire: Ali, you are the one Mike slept with, promised the head nurse job to, and then tried to fire. What makes you think this lawsuit has anything to do with you?

MEANWHILE, Lucas and Brandon have a brother-in-lawly chat at the Kiriakisless Mansion.
Brandon: Nicole married you for your money.
Lucas: Did you just say Nicole married me for my money?
Brandon: No.
Lucas: I understand what you're feeling. I was poor until my Mom married rich, too. But Mom does work hard. I don't let my job consume me. In fact, I'm not entirely sure what my job is.
Brandon: I would give anything to have your life. No work, just living in a mansion full of servants and sitting by the pool.
Lucas: Um, what are you doing now?
Brandon: Good point. Hey, tell me about Sami Brady. She's hot.
Lucas:
(staring at Brandon's pecs) Forget it. She doesn't date guys who have more cleavage than she does.
Brandon: Too bad. But she's better with you, anyway.

End of Show
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Disclaimer: This page is for entertainment purposes only and has no affiliation with Days of Our Lives, Ken Corday, or NBC. The characters and storylines parodied are under copyright by them and are used without permission here. The parodies themselves are written and copyright by me. Again, this page is intended to be fun, so please don't sue me.
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