Wednesday, July 14, 1999

Happy Bastille Day! Letís celebrate with a quick synopsis.

Sami and Ali have met at Salem Place.
Ali: I need help. But I canít talk to you; youíre Carrieís sister.
Sami: You donít know my family very well, do you?
Ali: In that case, is there any truth to the rumor that Austin and Carrie are getting marriage counseling?
Sami: Iím afraid sheís stringing him along, just so Austin will think they have hope. But, really, theyíll only have Gina.
(Iíll bet you thought I was going make a boob job remark. Fooled ya.)

MEANWHILE, concerns are similar at the hospital.
Craig: Mike is holed up in his office.
Nancy: Why? Is he working?
(both laugh)
Craig: Seriously, I donít want Mike to settle out of court. If we want him to leave town in disgrace, we need the works-- juries, lawyers--
Nancy: Or at least Mickey Horton.
Carrie: Austin, you canít believe Ali. I know you believed my sick little sisterís lies for years, but that doesnít establish a pattern of behavior.
Austin: I uh do uh believe uh Ali. Uh face uh it uh you uh went uh to uh bed uh with uh a uh sleaze.
(staring hard at Austin) Donít I know it.

MEANWHILE, the older half of the Brady family has troubles of its own in Hawaii.
Bo: John and Hope couldnít just vanish.
Stefano: You donít watch this show very often, do you?
Marlena: What
(gasp) are (gasp) you (gasp) doing (gasp) here (gasp) Stefano?
Bo: That bastard is responsible for Johnís disappearance.
Stefano: No. I didnít even know you had come to Hawaii.
Bo: Then what are you doing here now? Oh my God! Gina crossed you, didnít she! Gina crossed Stefano! Thatís amazing.
Marlena: Almost as amazing as the fact that you had an insight.
(cartoon lightbulbs above his head) I get it. Stefano brainwashed Forrest Alamain to become the mercenary fighter John Black, and partnered him with the nutjob Princess Gina von Amburg. When they fell in love and began to betray Stefano, he turned John into Roman, hid Roman on some tropical island, and put Princess Gina into some kind of stasis when her mental condition
deteriorated. He used Ginaís daughter Greta to convince everyone in Salem that Hope was dead and turned Hope into Gina.
Marlena: Okay, okay.
Bo: Wait! Iím just getting to the crazy, unbelievable part . . .

MEANWHILE, in a submarine off the coast of Hawaii:
John: Gina, you canít have left the compact behind when we escaped! That compact has the key to our safe deposit box in it.
Gina: Oh no! Iím sorry I forgot it, because Iím sure that key survived being given from the real Gina to me, being carried around Europe for four years, burning in Maison Blanche, being dumped in the mud of the Bayou and carried around by Greta and Billie, being thrown off the pier, and being fought over by Billie and me for a few years.
John: Whoa! Watch the gauges. We donít wanna pull a Titanic here.
(Just then, an iceberg arrives. What if it the coat of Hawaii? I said an iceberg arrives. So there.)
Stefano: (Chasing them on his boat, yelling at Gina the line previously reserved for Marlena and Rachel: "You are beautiful, but you betrrrrayed me!") Oh no! Iíll have to use my magical prisms and my curling iron and my cool dentistís equipment to get rid of the iceberg and save Gina and John.
(He snaps his fingers and the iceberg vanishes.)

MEANWHILE, at the Cheatiní Heart.
Eric: Billie, what do you think of Brandon? When heís not challenging your big brother for the "Most Frequently Forgets His Lines" title, that is?
Billie: Well, he has a killer smile.
Eric: Oh lord. I hope this isnít foreshadowing for a "Brandon secretly killed someone" story.
Billie: Wait, whatís that?
Eric: Itís an--
(He doesnít get to finish his sentence. The iceberg runs into the Cheatiní Heart, and puts an end to Eric, Billie, Roman, Greta, and especially Brandon.)

End of Show
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