Tuesday, July 13, 1999

And now for another episode of Days of Our Lives.
(Really. This is EXACTLY what happened today.)

John and Gina/Hope are on her submarine. Which is white, not yellow.
John: Someone other than Stefano wants to keep us apart? And here I thought he was responsible for everything that had ever happened in my life and in the lives of everyone I know.
Gina: I canít imagine why youíd think that.
John: Well, you managed to save John Black--
(to herself) I still donít get how he could call himself John Black in the early 1980s if he picked the name off a plaque when he first arrived in Salem.
John: from a boring life with an uptight shrink--
(to herself) Well, itís not like she ever practices.
John: and three obnoxious kids.
(to herself) No argument there.
John: Speaking of kids, when can we pick up Greta? Since itís 1985, sheís about eight years old.
Gina: Um, Greta is, um, on a secret voyage to the moon to hide from Stefano.
John: Oh. That makes sense.

MEANWHILE, Marlena and Bo are concerned.
Bo: Hope and John are both gone without a trace. DiMera has gotten away with this stuff before. I donít know how. He was up against Bradys like us.
Marlena: Stefano? Heís a good and honest man. He couldnít have done this.
Bo: Yes, youíre right. A good man. What were we discussing?

MEANWHILE, Stefano and Rolf are also involved.
(to phone) Goodbye, Meinheir Dumkopf!
(to camera) Thatís a weird mixture of Dutch, German, and English for "YOU IDIOT!"
Stefano: I still donít know what Bo meant by "how long has he been gone." Who could possibly disappear at the same time as Gina?
Rolf: I donít know. I was hiding in the bushes.
Stefano: If you were hiding, how did you get knocked out?
Rolf: Um . . . did I ever tell you about that time when I knew for sure that the real Princess Gina had gone insane?
(flashback) Rolf, Iím all alone now. That kid called Greta, she doesnít count.
(present, to phone) Bart, you idiot! Why did you call if you had no information? I donít need calls!
Bart: Well, if you want to change your long distance carrier, Iíve heard good things about--
Stefano: You idiot!
(Triggers a device that makes Bartís phone blow up. Bart dies.)

OVERVOICE: We will return for the second half of Days of Our Lives in just a moment.

Announcer: This message is brought to you by Reeseís sticks. Now, when you combine chocolate, peanut butter, and wafers, what do you get?
People: A peanut butter Twix! Everybody knows that.

(singing) Iím throwing my mascara outta the door--
Cop: Excuse me, but youíve just violated several ordinances. We canít allow litterbugs like you to just run around singing and putting on makeup. Besides, you could put someoneís eye out throwing that stuff around.
Brandy: Huh?

Announcer2: Huggies diapers. They stay drier, longer. Or, alternatively, you could just change your kidís diaper once in a while.

MEANWHILE, Claire and Ali have a mother-daughter chat.
Claire: I prayed every day that you would pass that psychiatric exam. And now Iím so proud of God for passing it. I know you had nothing to do with it.
Ali: Shut up, mother. I see Sami Brady. Sami could be my little helper when I take Carrie down.
Sami: Donít even think about it, Ali. Iím way out of your league when it comes to hurting Carrie.
Ali: You wonít help?
Sami: Sure I will. But I demand top billing. You can be MY helper.

MEANWHILE, Mickey and Mike plan to defend themselves from Ali.
Mike: Dad, I wonít settle. Settling would be admitting that I slept with Ali and then tried to fire her. And all I did was sleep with Ali and then try to fire her. I want to fight this. I want everything out in the open, but I donít want to hurt Carrie, because itís not like I slept with her, too, so she is irrelevant.

End of Show

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