Tuesday, July 6, 1999

Yes, John and Marlena actually get married today. Wanna hear about it? I thought so.

John and Marlenaís wedding, oddly enough, is being performed by The Impressive Clergyman of Princess Bride fame.
Impressive Clergyman: Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today. Now, you all know John and Marlena. Many of you have known them your entire lives, which isnít saying a lot because most of you here went from toddler-age to late teens overnight. As you all know John and Marlena, or else why would you be here, you all want them to be happy.
(Will, apparently still holding a grudge since Marlena was unable to recognize him when his kidnapper ran into her at a Paris airport, shakes his head no.) God will bless this union forever, or at least until next week, despite Williamís objections. Now, when we think of a marriage in Salem, we have to think for a long time. Because, on average, while Salemites have a lot of weddings, they usually donít end in marriages owing to falling chandeliers, pregnant bridesmaids, resurrections, mistaken identity, and the like. However, if we go back sixty years or so, we find Tom and Alice Horton, the only Salem couple who ever managed to have a stable relationship. No one is sure why their children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great grandchildren turned out so screwy. Weíre sure it wasnít Tomís and Aliceís fault, though. So John and Marlena have asked me to thank Alice Horton. Well, I donít see how Marlena could have had any part in the asking since she supposedly didnít even know where the wedding was until the limo picked her up this morning. But John asked me, anyway. So thank you, Alice. Now, this is not just a marriage for John and Marlena. It is for their child. For Marlena and Romanís children. For Roman and Annaís child. For John and Isabellaís child. For Roman and Marlenaís grandson. For the deceased son and the stepdaughter from Marlenaís first marriage. For the foster child Marlena had even before that. For the son of Susan and Stefano that John once believed was his. For the child of John and Kristen that was never born. For the daughter of Princess Gina, who just might be Johnís child as well.
Marlena: John and I have been blessed with many children. Weíve often thought of opening a little inn in Vermont and singing. You know, "Doe, a deer, a female deer. Re, a drop of golden sun." But that didnít seem practical, so instead we decided to make a symbolic bouquet of flowers for our children. Belle is our daisy. Sheís sweet and sunny, with the unique ability to have a different face every time we see her. Brady is our sunflower, for reasons I canít fathom because Iím not sure Iíve seen him in the last year. Sami is our rose, because as you all know, sheís got a hell of a lot of thorns, but we like her anyway. Eric is the snapdragon, with an amazing capacity for love. Why, he hasnít gotten even one of his siblings, or himself, thrown in jail yet! And Carrie is our orchid, and we feel free to say sheís ours, because her real mother hasnít been heard from in ages and we arenít entirely sure that this current Roman is the real one.
John: Marlena, Iím gonna grow old with you, as much as itís possible to grow old on a soap. With this ring, I thee wed.
Marlena: With this ring, I thee wed.
Austin: Wow uh Roman uh Iím uh amazed uh that uh youíre uh being uh so uh civilized uh at uh the uh wedding uh of uh your uh ex uh wife. I uh couldnít uh ever uh be uh that uh civilized.
Roman: No kidding.
(walks away from Austin)
(being helpful) Gee, Carrie, isnít this the song Austin used to play for you?
Carrie: Yes, and involved parents that John and Marlena are, they decided to play it now, knowing the status of my marriage. No, seriously, maybe our marriage wouldnít have ended if Austin hadnít lost his musical ability along with his brain.
Sami: You know, youíre right! Austin is a real dolt! Shame on me for inviting him instead of Lucas.
Carrie: A minor mistake. That bush worries me more. How did it get inside?
Sami: Thatís not a bush. Thatís Celesteís hair.
Carrie: No wonder she usually wears hats. Where has she been?
Sami: Off having an exciting relationship with Ivan, hopefully.
Eric: Everyone, itís time for a toast. To my Mom and the bastard she married, who Iíll conveniently forget spent more years raising me than either Mom or Dad did. Thanks.
Hope/Gina: Oh, John I love you so. Itís awful, watching you marry THAT woman.
(to herself) Wait, are these Marlenaís lines or mine?
Billie: Hope! I overheard that! I was in the bathroom.
Hope/Gina: Donít be silly. You couldnít have heard anything. There are not bathrooms in Salem.

End of Show
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