|May 25th 1999
Our show begins with Bo and Hope doing the only one of the two things that they do that I can put in a G-rated synopsis: fighting.
Gina/Hope: You're right, Bo. I'd rather be Gina than Hope. And Stefano never hurt anybody in his life. And the sky is orange.
Bo: (thinking hard) Have Hope's opinions changed so much lately that I should worry? Naw.
Gina/Hope: Bo, I can't get over the fact that you fell in love with Billie when you said you'd never love anybody but me.
Bo: And don't forget Carly.
Gina/Hope: Yeah, her son is back in town. Didn't we used to have a son his age?
Bo: Remember, you sent him away to that Midwestern high school that had a new term starting in April, despite the fact that all the other schools are winding up for the year.
MEANWHILE, at least John and Marlena are in agreement.
Marlena: Roman must be relieved. I can't imagine what it must be like to have your daughter in Sami's position.
John: Uh, Doc? Sami is your daughter, too.
Marlena: Oh (gasp) yes (gasp)! I (gasp) have (gasp) to (gasp) get (gasp) to (gasp) my (gasp) baby!
John: Okay, one more thing. Marry me tomorrow?
Marlena: How long until tomorrow in regular time?
John: Six or eight months. You'll be able to get your dress and everything.
Marlena: Then I will. Just you, me, and our children, except for the one who's trying to save her marriage, the one who's getting drunk in a bar because his fiancee dumped him, and the one on death row.
John: Who does that leave?
Marlena: The two we allegedly have upstairs that no one ever sees.
John: Oh. I also want a priest at the wedding. It wouldn't be right not having the Catholic church sanction our marriage, and you know they will since you're twice divorced and I have three children by three women out of wedlock.
Marlena: Okay. And thanks for staying with the invisible children while I'm gone.
John: Well, they're my kids too. I guess it won't kill me to see them once every few years. (Marlena leaves) Gasp! Gulp! Gasp! I have a headache! Probably brought on by these memory flashes I've been having to events that never happened . . .
MEANWHILE, Eric visits Nicole.
Eric: Nicole, how could you do this? We're so right for each other. Neither one of us can get out a complete sentence without a meaningless "dramatic" pause in the middle of the line.
Nicole: Fine, you wanna know the truth?
Eric: Yes !
Nicole: Too bad.
Eric: This isn't you!
Nicole: Who is it, then, someone Stefano brainwashed me to be?
Eric: Wrong part of the script.
Nicole: Oh. Eric, I'm tired of this. I'm leaving. (She storms out, then returns.)
Eric: You love me! You came back!
Nicole: No, I just remembered that this is my apartment and it makes more sense if you storm out instead.
MEANWHILE, the D.A., in charge of all legal, governmental, and police proceedings in Salem, is making life difficult for Eric's twin.
DA: (to reporters) Samantha Brady gave a deadly sedative to a young female gaurd, a mother. This sedative was so deadly that the hospital nurses had been planning on giving it to their patient, Miss Brady, herself a young mother.
Roman: (entering with Sami) No comment! (In the private office) Your Mom will be here as soon as she finishes planning her wedding, Sami.
MEANWHILE, Kate is at the hospital manipulating Roberto's sister Rosa so the two will not clear Sami.
Kate: Rosa, I'll get you some tea.
Rosa: Tea! Tea h'is warth das-obeying tha palice.
Lexie: Kate! Why are you here?
Kate: I'm visiting a friend and despite the fact that I've been to this part of the hospital dozens of times in the last year to visit my sons, grandson, and daughters-in-law after their various adventures, I got lost.
Roberto: (awakening) Rosa. Call cap-tin Bra-dy. He can safe ass fram tha mab.
MEANWHILE, Lucas gets a sisterly visit from Billie.
Billie: Why did Nicole marry you? Did you give her her own country?
Lucas: Complete with a birdcage and underground minions. Look, Billie, why would anyone ever want to be involved with someone from a family like Eric's?
Billie: You have a son with Eric's twin sister.
Lucas: Details, details.
(The doorbell rings; it's Nicole.)
Nicole: Whoa! Lucas, I didn't know you knew how to open a door yourself.
Lucas: My Mommy taught me how poor people do things in her spare time. Sit tight, I'm going to pick Will up from the police station. They just captured Sami and him.
Billie: Let them say goodbye! Sami was nice enough to let you say goodbye when she took Will.
All: Huh? (Lucas leaves.)
Billie: Nicole, you are such a materialistic slut. Why did you marry Lucas?
Nicole: I don't have to take this from you.
Billie: Sure you do. We're sisters now, and this is what Salem sisters do.
Nicole: Maybe it is a good thing that I didn't marry Eric.
End of Show
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