May 14th 1999

Time for yet another none-too-accurate summary of your favorite soap.

Sami is still in jail.
Sami: Thatís my son! I gave birth to him- I was in labor for weeks before I had that Cesarean, and anyone who does that deserves to raise her son! I keep getting this vision of Lucas playing with Will. Itís probably a memory from the first two years of Willís life when we were best friends and he helped me with Will every day, but thatís not important right now.
(Sami collapses, grief-stricken, and is removed from the cell for treatment.)
Sami: Now. How do get out of here. I just have to find a baseball cap, and then no one will recognize me.

MEANWHILE, Vivian is planning her party.
Stefano: Where will you get the energy to plan a party?
Vivian: It doesnít take that much energy to tell Ivan and Celeste what to do.
Stefano: But why do you want to do this?
Vivian: Because I canít go to my own funeral.
Stefano: Of course you can, now that youíre part of my family. Iíve done it, and my daughter Kristen has, and my son Peter, and my daughter-in-law Jennifer. And thatís just in the last few years.

MEANWHILE, Hope and John are sharing a flashback to Princess Gina.
John: Princess Gina, youíre irreplaceable.
Gina: I know. I donít even have an evil twin.
John: But maybe, across the world, thereís another woman, a few years younger than you, who just happens to look exactly like you without the stripes in your hair. She could be turned into you if her family was convinced sheíd been dropped in a vat of acid, and coincidentally, your daughter could be the one who actually went in, and--
Gina: John, stop making up ridiculous stories like that. No wonder you get headaches.

MEANWHILE, the courtroom is not yet empty.
Lucas: Shut up, Eric. Come on, hit me!
Eric: Thereís no point. Havenít you noticed that every time we get in a fistfight, our punches seem to miss each other by inches, and then we both have one little spot of blood on our lips? Itís just not worth it.
Kate: Nicole, I demand that you continue to do my bidding.
Eric: I knew it. I knew you blackmailed her, but she canít been bought.
Nicole: Eric, I obviously have been.
Eric: Oh yeah.

MEANWHILE, Austin is saying goodbye to Will.
Austin: Youíre . . . uh . . . going . . . uh . . . to . . . uh . . . be . . . uh . . . just . . . uh . . . like . . . uh . . . Kevin . . . uh . . . Garnett . . . uh . . . when . . . uh . . . you . . . uh . . . grow . . . uh . . . up.
Will: Except Iíll get an outrageous salary as a teenager without going to college for working at Titan instead of for playing basketball.
Austin: Will . . . uh . . . are . . . uh . . . you . . . uh . . . listening . . . uh . . . to . . . uh . . . me?
(He jiggles Willís shoulders to get his attention, shaking him progressively harder until Willís head bangs into the park bench.) I . . . uh . . . feel . . . uh . . . so . . . uh . . . bad.
Will: Thanks for telling us. We never would have figures it out from your acting.
(They arrive at the Pub.)
Caroline: Carrie, you must be devas- you know, I use that word far too much. Hang on while I get a thesaurus. Okay, you must be very hurt, depressed, shattered, heartsick, broken hearted, sad, discouraged, troubled, dejected, downhearted, and upset.
Carrie: I am. I cheated on Austin.
Caroline: So you are a true Brady woman. I was worried for a while there.
(seeing them) Carrie . . . uh . . . what . . . uh . . . are . . . uh . . . you . . . uh . . . doing . . . uh . . . here?
Carrie: Check out the name on the door. Thatís my family, and you have no right to try to kick me out. I know youíre upset, but stop pretending youíre blameless, because you did take off with Sami, my sister!, for weeks on end-
All: Huh?
Carrie: I mean, Iím so sorry, Austin, I donít deserve to breathe the same air you do.

End of Show
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