March 11, 1998

Hump day! The perfect day to give yourself a break by not watching Days. Just read about it here.

Our show opens in England today.
Ivan: Farewell, Violet.
Violet: Don't go! You're the closest thing this show has to entertainment most days. Besides, what will you do without Vivian?
Ivan: Not lose a fortune every few years? Have an actual relationship? Not be forced to become a grave robber? Not risk my life on a daily basis for stupid reasons?
Violet: I'll give you a nice warm bowl of soup.
Ivan: I'd rather have a nice warm Mada- (he is interrupted by shouts from upstairs, where Vivian and Jonesy are in bed)
Jonesy: I can die a happy man.
Vivian: I won't let you die.
Jonesy: You have control over these things?
Vivian: Ask Carly or Kate about that.
Jonesy: They're alive because of you?
Vivian: Who says being incompetent is a useless skill?
Jonesy: Make my last dream come true.
Vivian: Anything.
Jonesy: I've always wanted to Tattaglia.
Vivian: To what? Jonesy? Jonesy?

MEANWHILE, at Salem Hospital
Mike: Gee, I hope I get to be chief of staff. I don't suppose the fact that this is Salem and my last name is Horton will be any kind of advantage.
Lexie: Is Carrie helping you? You and Carrie, side by side, day and night?
Mike: Not "night" so much (deep sigh). Did I tell you she thinks she's the married woman I love?
Lexie: Gasp.
Mike: I thought Marlena didn't bother with work any more. Oh, it's you, Lexie. Don't worry, I didn't tell the truth. The entire city might crumble if someone went and told the truth! (pause) Anyway, the torch is out and it's GONNA STAY OUT!!!
Lexie: We all know what happens any time anyone says that.
Mike: We do?

MEANWHILE, Susan has been kidnapped.
Susan: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
man: I'm sick and tired of your chatter.
ClayZebra: Aren't we all.

OVERVOICE: We will return for the second half of Days of Our Lives in just a moment.

Music: Good morning, America, how are you?
Man: (in diner over breakfast) So, how 'bout that Ex-Lax?
Woman: I love it! Without laxatives, what would we talk about at meals?
Music: Good morning, America, how are you?

ToiletPaper: Hi, I'm your friendly talking roll of Kleenex Cottonelle toilet paper. I'm glad so many people talk about Ex-Lax over breakfast. Some people don't think you should talk about work over meals, but I don't mind.

MEANWHILE, Roman is in a burning house.
Roman: Cough, cough, where are you? Oh, no, I'm about to get hit on the head by a falling beam! But I don't think anyone will notice if I lose a few more IQ points.
Marlena: (outside) Oh, no, if Roman does only one man will be in love with me! How awful for me! And a little girl will die, too. I should get a little girl. Or maybe I have one and I just forgot about it.
Roman: (emerging with the little girl) Doc, I just risked my life, cough, cough. Listen to my smoke-strained voice.
Marlena: You always sound like that.

MEANWHILE, at the Penthouse Grill
Edmund: That looks like a love battle.
Carrie: A love battle? Over Sami? (sneers) I'll forgive you since you're new in town, but the only Brady sister who is allowed to be fought over is ME!!
Edmund: I love you, Susan.
"Susan": (thinking as Kristen) What a geek! Although I thought it was wonderful when John said the exact same things to me.
Franco: Sami, are you all ri? Is nah ganna happa again.
Carrie: (stomping her foot) Why is Franco protecting HER? I'm the pretty, protectable one! (as Sami and Franco leave, Carrie and Austin pick Lucas up off the floor) Lucas, are you okay?
Lucas: This is far from over. (leaves)
Austin: What . . . does . . . that . . . uhh . . . mean?
Carrie: Wow. Even when your brother is falling down drunk, he can grasp simple concepts that you can't. Kiss me.

MEANWHILE, Sami and Franco are in the limo.
Sami: It would take an atomic bomb to make Austin look at someone besides Carrie.
Franco: (thinking) Atomic fallout . . . maybe that's what's wrong with Austin. (out loud) You are desirable. To me, you're very ina-cent.
Sami: Why? Just because I've never had an actual boyfriend or had to support myself or been the one being manipulated?

MEANWHILE, Lucas arrives home.
Lucas: Franco isn't seeing Sami for her charming personality. I'm the only one who likes her personality, and even I don't admit it in public. (pause) Can you fire Franco?
Kate: The blackmail-
Lucas: You're so selfish!
Kate: I'm protecting you. See, every time I think about the blackmail, I say "I can't lose the love of Austin and Billie and Lucas." Because I know it would harm you if you stopped worshipping me.

End of Show

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