March 9, 1998

Spring break! Shall I go on a road trip to Mexico? Not an option. How about writing a synopsis? Now that's a good idea. As a public service to everyone who is too bored to watch Days, this is what happened today.

Roman has taken Marlena out to dinner.
Marlena: Okay, I think I can do this. The point of going out to dinner is . . . making phone calls?
Roman: Sure, what the hell. I don't know what the hell I have to worry about because you would never hurt anyone, especially the two men in love with you. Hurt them by stringing out your decision for years? Hell no!
Marlena: Maybe we should just sit down. (sees his champagne) Not champagne, Roman. TEA!
Roman: Oh, hell, I forgot. I'm just distracted because Eric doesn't know what the hell he wants to do with his life.
Marlena: Bo didn't know for a long time.
Roman: And I was supportive as hell of him then.
Marlena: Anyway, it's Stefano's fault that the twins had such a lousy childhood. He walked out on them because he was mad at their mother and they didn't hear from him for years . . . or was that you?

MEANWHILE, the aforementioned Eric is confronting his stalker.
Eric: Jed?
Jed: Hi, I'm the reason you left Colorado.
Eric: Oh, the writers finally invented you. Nice to meet you.
Jed: Don't give me that! I hate you and I hate the way you love to play hero.
Eric: That is what they pay me for. They had enough villains already when they hired me.
Jed: I don't care. I want your life as screwed up as mine.
Eric: The man I always thought was my father turned out to be someone else. My mother has been dead (repeatedly), kidnapped (even more repeatedly), and possessed. My father is also always coming back from the dead. My half-sister was kidnapped by my twin sister because no one knew which of my fathers was her father, and my other half-sister's
boyfriend was stolen by my twin sister although I can't see why either of them want him. No one can figure out who the father of my nephew is. My uncle can't decide between my brother-in-law's sister and his wife that came back from the dead, and he is yet another member of my family who's parentage was never quite clear-
Jed: My work here is done.

MEANWHILE, Eric's twin is faring somewhat better.
Franco: Samee, I haf a special even-ing planned. I wan to give hue the kina night hue deserve.
Sami: I've already been run over with a car, thanks.
Franco: Cancho trus me? I jus want to dress hue up in a sexy outfit and take pictures of hue.
Sami: Well, we all know how well it worked out the last time a man took me on a date and had me pose in sexy pictures.
Franco: First, a makeover.
Sami: Yes! Curl my hair and brush it, and put me in a flashy outfit with a low neckline. I'll look so different!

MEANWHILE, Laura and Stefano are talking.
Laura: Your family has been taken down for good. Like all those times you were dead and all your children were dead until another set showed up.
Stefano: My family's pain is a source of joy for you?
Laura: I can't imagine why.

MEANWHILE, Celeste and Mary Moira are in the convent.
MaryMoira: How do you feel?
Celeste: Aside from the jungle madness that's giving me headaches and superhuman strength, I'm fine.
"Susan": (outside) Edmond, my sister is a nun. She doesn't approve of marriage. She was just fine with the baby I had out of wedlock, though. (thinking in Kristen voice) You know, Edmond is actually probably smarter than John. Maybe I'll give him the purple pillow test.

MEANWHILE, the real Susan is being held captive.
Susan: That mean mean mean Kristen wants to steal my life. How can anyone be so mean? All I did was dress up as her, lock her in a closet, and sleep with her fiancé before I took her place at her wedding. Edmond will see through her, though. I just hope he doesn't go to Salem and drink that water that interacts with the y chromosome to produce Salem men.

End of Show
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