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Friday, December 29, 2000

Today's line of the day goes to my Least Favorite Character as she for once says something intelligent: "I should shut up."

Philip and Chloe are ice skating.
Philip: Your skin is so soft.
Chloe: Well, we're the same age, and you were born less than six years ago, so I guess that makes sense. You know, you've changed my life. I became an entirely different person when I took my glasses off and brushed my hair.
Philip: Not that Salemites are shallow. Come on, I'll teach you to ice skate.
Chloe: Wow! I just learned to skate today but suddenly I'm holding my leg over my head and doing complicated spirals and turns with you.
Philip: You're a fast learner. Hey, isn't it funny how you can never see our faces in the distance shots of us skating?

MEANWHILE, Salem Place is busy, as most malls are in the early hours of Christmas morning.
Abe: Sami, did you know that Bwady is getting the feeling in his legs back?
Sami: And he told everyone? Stupid kid. I thought he'd fake paralysis, like I did.
Abe: Speaking of people who hate me, watch yourself around Brandon.
Sami: Brandon would never hurt me!
(Flashback to Sami telling Marlena that Alan would never hurt her, and Alan's subsequent rape of Sami; flashback to Sami telling Roman that Franco would never hurt her and Franco's subsequent cheating and Sami's framing for his murder.)

MEANWHILE, Brandon is also at Salem Place.
Brandon: I'm doing a favor for a woman I care about. I'm having sex with another woman. Selfless, huh?
Benny: Never mind that. Bwady Bwack was shot by Abe. Abe is gonna be a dead man.
Brandon: I was hoping we could do something more permanent than "dead."

MEANWHILE, I finally get my first personal glimpse of the long-lost-but-not-missed Austin and Greta in their virtual Garden of Eden. Austin is playing gladiator while Greta gasps and moans in the arms of Princess Gina.
Greta: AUSTIN!!!
Austin: Getting hit on the head a few more times won't change me much, I swear.
Greta: But I love you! Can't you be replaced with Belle or something?
(At Greta's command, it happens. Belle is hit by another gladiator and dissolves into a pile of sugar.)
Oh my God! They killed Belle! The bastards!

MEANWHILE, my Least Favorite Character is moving, though sadly not out of town.
Mimi: I'd just like to insult your daughter as a way of thanking you for letting me stay at your house.
Nancy: You're welcome. I don't like Chloe much, either.
Mimi: Who the hack is her father?
(Nancy shrugs; Mimi grabs a microphone.) Looks like it's time for another episode of "Whose Kid is it, Anyway?" Joining us tonight are he of the ever-wavering accent, Stefano DiMera; she of the ever-wavering personality, Chloe Lane; he of the ever-wavering amount of screen time, Craig Wesley; and she of the ever-wavering heroine/villainess status, Nancy Wesley. Tonight, each contestant must think of the worst question for a Days fan who wants to stay sane to ask him or herself. Stefano: Why does everyone notice that Hattie looks like Samantha but no one notices that Roman looks like Chris?
Chloe: If Abby's father walked out on her and her mother the first time before Philip was born, why is Philip sixteen and Abby ten?
Craig: If Hope's months-old son was conceived on John and Marlena's honeymoon, how was Marlena Bwady's wicked stepmother for nineteen years?
Nancy: How was Abe a beat cop sixteen years ago when Larry was paralyzed but also Roman's detective partner in early-1980s episodes of Days?
Mimi: Nice job. Let's end with a hoe-down.

Nancy: I gave up my daughter
About sixteen years ago
And because I soon forgot her
She now gives me lots of woe.
I used to treat my pets like children
But this new life is funny.
It was easier to mother
My dogs, Sugar and Honey.

Craig: I do love my wife Nancy
But children are a cost
And so when I met Chloe
I wished she would get lost.
I couldn't help resent her
And the problems that she brought
But then one day I noticed:
(leers at Chloe as she dances around him wearing a string bikini)

Chloe: My Mom Nancy won't tell me
Just who my Dad might be.
She says she slept with one man
Not five or ten or three.
I haven't really asked her
I will not cry or beg;
The thing I'm really glad of
Is my Dad isn't Craig.
(Craig strips as he dances around Chloe.)

Stefano: Megan, Lexie, Peter,
Elvis, Tony, and Renee.
There's Kristen and there's Benjy-
I could list my kids all day.
I listened to the opera
While not much of Salem did.
And since she is a singer
Of course Chloe is my kid!

End of Show

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