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Wednesday, December 27, 2000

One of my friends collects Care Bears, so I asked my father where my old Care Bears might be.
Dad: We have them. They're in a box, with the Pound Puppies and the My Little Ponies. You know, I've been thinking, the My Little Ponies are a lot like the people on Days.
Me: How so?
Dad: Well, the My Little Ponies all lived in that one house, you know?
Me: The Paradise Estate.
Dad: Right, and all the people on Days live in that one mansion. They both have swimming pools about the same size, too. And all the My Little Ponies are related. So are all the people on Days. And there were only a couple of boy My Little Ponies, but there were dozens of baby ponies running around, just like there's only John and Stefano in Salem-

Okay, I will now mercifully interrupt to bring you the actual synopsis.

John and Marlena are lurking around before the wedding.
Marlena: I'm not in the mood for this. I really don't want to get brainwashed and have sex with Bo on a submarine.
(arriving) Hi!
Marlena: Whoa! That's right, I have other kids older than Belle and Brady. And look, it's Chloe and Philip. Is this your first Christmas in Salem, Chloe?
Chloe: Yes.
Philip: What the heck? Last year's Christmas miracle was you singing Nancy out of her coma!
Sami: Oh, shut up, Philip. Your father won't even make an honest woman of your mother. Not that ANYTHING could do that.
Philip: Takes one to know one. Where's Belle?
Marlena: I don't know. Shawn, have you seen Belle?
Old-Bag-Shawn: Belle? I don't know Belle. She certainly didn't spend her babyhood in the Pub being treated as my granddaughter. That's why she calls me "Mr. Brady" and acts like she barely knows me. I wouldn't recognize her if I did see her.
Marlena: Thanks. But John, YOU know Belle. Think about her, and let JT go. He wasn't conceived in love. You may as well have been a machine.
(grinning) That's me! The machine! (beats his chest) Come on, Doc, I can go all night! (Marlena rolls her eyes.)

MEANWHILE, the groom prepares for his wedding.
Bo: Roman lost the ring. Pop, he and Abe are two of Salem's finest. They can find it, right?
Old-Bag-Shawn: Sure. They're no good at catching Stefano, but they must be good at SOMETHING! (pause) I love you, Bo. I love you so much I tried to have you killed when you went to Ireland and found Jennifer. Shawn-not-Douglas:
(entering) Dad, I need to talk to you.
Bo: Oh no! You don't think this one is your mother, either?

MEANWHILE, John's spawn are at the Penthouse.
Belle: I miss my Mom. Don't you want her to come home?
Bwady: Of course. That's why I threaten her every chance I get and tell her it's her fault I'm paralyzed.
Belle: So you'll come to the wedding and help me convince her to come home? We'll have fun. We always have fun together. Well, not that time on the train tracks-
Bwady: I'm under the impression that the viewers rather enjoyed that, though.
(pause) You're gorgeous.
Belle: Incest. A Days writer's best friend.
Bwady: Since you were just unconscious for months after getting hit by a train, shouldn't you put on a helmet before you ride your scooter to the wedding?
Belle: Don't worry. I have no brain to get damaged.
(Sadly, Bwady's motorized wheelchair explodes and they both die.)

MEANWHILE, the wedding begins.
Hope: Well, here I am wearing a tiara to my wedding less than a year after my husband married a me-impersonator who was a princess and always wore a tiara.
Bo: Never mind that. Let's salute our sons. First, we had our second-born, and then, we had our first-born.
Hope: A few more words about our children-
(yelling from his seat) But don't steal my idea about making a bouquet!
Bo/Hope: Don't worry!!!

End of Show
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