Tuesday, July 25, 2000

ClayZebra's synopsis rears its ugly head as the countdown to Eric's demise begins, but line of the day goes to Nancy: "I wouldn't want poor little Mimi to be upset." Yeah, me either, Nance.

Philip and Chloe are almost worth watching as they sit at the Pub.
Philip: You're special. I mean, every woman in Salem looks like she belongs on the cover of a fashion magazine, but it takes someone special to put on glasses and pretend she doesn't.
Chloe: Blah, blah, blah. WHY did you invite me to the dance?
Philip: I need you to help me study. My Dad wants me to get into an Ivy League school, and it's not like you can just buy your way into one of those places.

MEANWHILE, with the rest of Klan Kiriakis:
Lucas: Damn Sami.
Kate: Stop saying that! You say that every time you're on camera!
Lucas: But I still haven't said it as many times as I said "I've come to far to lose Carrie now" or "I have to protect Mom from Austin and Billie."
Kate: Thank heaven for small miracles.
Victor: Shut up, you slut!
Lucas: She just kissed Nikki! It's not like they checked into a hotel.
Victor: Go away, Lucas. I know you're protective of your mother, but think more and speak less.
Lucas: But I can speak without reading cue cards!
Victor: So can everyone else in this scene.
Lucas: Whoa! How often does that happen?
Victor: Lucas shouldn't mouth off about things he knows nothing about.
Kate: Yeah, he knows nothing about having his wife shoving her tongue down another man's throat.
(sighing) Uh-huh. I always thought he was smarter than that.

MEANWHILE, the reasons for Victor's snit are on a plane to Italy.
Brandon: Since I'm such a smart guy, I'll explain what happened the day you should have married Franco even though you're had two years to figure it out.
Sami: Wow, you're so smart. I'm so glad I finally have a man to think for me.
Brandon: We just don't know who went for the gun.
Sami: Well, in the original story, Lucas was the only one who had any idea where it was, but history changes so fast on this show you can't be sure. I'm so grateful to you, Brandon.
Brandon: Well, you know how to show your gratitude.
Sami: Well, I'm involved with the man I've been in love with all my adult life, but okay.
(Sex ensues)

MEANWHILE, with Sami's twin.
Nicole: I need to know the truth, although some people say I wouldn't know the truth if I tripped over it.
Eric: I still love you.
(Nicole leaves; Greta has been eavesdropping like a good Salemite.)
Eric: I'm sorry you had to see that. If you hadn't, I could've kept stringing you along.
Greta: I don't know why I'm surprised. Everyone I've ever cared about has lied to me. My mother was the worst, but at least I could blame her behavior on Stefano.
Eric: Hey! I probably wouldn't be dysfunctional, either, if Stefano hadn't kept kidnapping my parents! And I could've loved you if . . .
Greta: I'd had sex with you?
Eric: That's not fair!
ClayZebra: Sounded fair to me.
Eric: Shut up, Zebra! Greta, someday, you'll find a man . . .
Greta: No! I'm not waiting for my prince to come! Especially if my prince is Duh-Boy!

MEANWHILE, at the Habitat for Humanity press conference:
Nancy: Craig, we'll look like good people if we invite the Lockhearts to live with us! And I'm sure inviting my semi-estranged daughter's arch enemy to live with us won't cause any problems.
Alice: Okay, the Lockhearts can live with the Wesleys instead of with me. But Shawn-not-Douglas, I'm still very proud of you for giving up your summer like this.
Shawn-not-Douglas: It's not much of a summer to give up seeing as school doesn't get out until late July.
Belle: Hey, Mimi isn't here!
Nancy: You say that like it's a bad thing.
(Belle finds Mimi.)
Belle: Cheer up, Meems. Here, we'll sing the Backstreet Boys. That always helps. (singing, to the tune of "I Want it That Way")

I am quite cloying
And I'm annoying
Believe when I say
I hate it this way

'Cause I aged ten years at once
It took days, not months,
And I say
I hate it this way

Tell me why?
Ain't nothing but a heartache
Tell me why?
The writers made a mistake
Tell me why
I'm never gonna hear Mom say
"Belle, time for first grade."

I know I'm cloying
And I'm annoying
Yes, I know it's too late
But I hate it this way

Tell me why?
Ain't nothing but a heartache
Tell me why?
The writers made a mistake
Tell me why
I'm never gonna hear Mom say
"Belle, time for third grade."

Now the timeline is falling apart
From the way that it used to be, yeah
Now my brother Brady
Is older than Shawn
And Shawn's the same age as me!
I know I'm cloying
And I'm annoying
I am, I am, I am, I am
Don't need to hear you say

Don't need to hear you say
Ain't nothing but a heartache
The writers made a mistake
I'm never gonna hear Mom say
"Belle, time for fifth grade."

Tell me why?
(Ain't nothing but a heartache)
Tell me why?
(The writers made a mistake)
Tell me why
I'm never gonna hear Mom say
"Belle, time for eighth grade."

Tell me why . . .
Ain't nothing but a heartache
The writers made a mistake
Tell me why I'm never gonna hear Mom say
"Belle, time for tenth grade . . ."

Mimi: (interrupting) Okay, okay, I'm cheered up.
Belle: I thought you would be. It's so deep and meaningful when the Backstreet Boys lament the horrors of Rapid-Aging Syndrome. Plus, if you live with Chloe, you might get to like her.
Mimi: Urgh! You are SO saccharine!
Mommy Lockheart/ Daddy Lockheart: We'd love to live with the Wesleys!
Baby Brother Lockheart: I wanna live with the doctor!
Nancy: Urgh! He's even more saccharine than Belle!
Belle: NOBODY says that and gets away with it!
(She and Baby Brother Lockheart get into a sweetness contests until both disintegrate into piles of dust.)
Mimi: Oh my God! They killed Belle! But I'd rather be dead than live with the Wesleys! I want to go back to my cardboard box!
Audience: My, are we feeling sympathetic toward this character. We're so glad she's on the front burner.

End of Show

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