Friday, May 12, 2000

Hi! I recently got an e-mail asking if I actually write for the show since my synopses are *so* gosh-darn realistic. In order to prove that I donít write for Days, I thought Iíd do something Days never does: listen to what my "audience" wants. So, by special request, todayís synopsis contains not one, not two, but three special cameos. Enjoy.

The show starts with Sami avoiding a kiss from Brandon.
Brandon: I wasnít in Salem at the time of Francoís murder.
Sami: Ah, the good old days.
Brandon: I heard that you were tried and convicted, though. So why do you want to prove Roberto didnít do it? You would make yourself the prime suspect again, since in Salem thereís apparently no such thing as double jeopardy.
Sami: I wonít be tried again if I can prove Kate and Lucas guilty of forcing the confession out of Roberto-- you know, Henderson saw him at the strip club the night of the murder.
Brandon: HENDERSON?!
(laughs hysterically until he passes out)

MEANWHILE, Craig and Nancy discuss Chloe.
Nancy: I didnít lie. Thereís no such thing as a lie of omission.
Craig: Look, I do still love you, but sometimes I wanna punish you!
Nancy: Like you punished poor out-of-her-mind Ali McIntire by almost choking her to death?
Craig: Ahem! Forget about that! I am a HERO now, not a villain! Understand?
Nancy: So since youíre a hero, you arenít worried about what my having an illegitimate daughter will do to your career?
Craig: Iím judged on my merits, not my personal life.
Nancy: So it wouldnít even matter if, hypothetically, you had an affair with the PR director and your enemies told the board?
Craig:
(puzzled) Who ever heard of something like that happening?

MEANWHILE, Chloe and Belle are waiting outside for Craig and Nancy to finish yelling.
Chloe: You donít have to worry about people like Philip Kiriakis. Youíve been sheltered and protected your whole life. My parents werenít around to do that.
Belle: Actually, I didnít see my parents once between age five and age fifteen.
Chloe: Maybe we have more in common than I thought! Letís go eavesdrop on Mom and Craig.
Belle: I donít feel comfortable eavesdropping.
Chloe:
(disgusted) What kind of a Salemite are you? (summarily executes Belle) Oh my God! I killed Belle. Iím such a bastard, and in more ways than one.

MEANWHILE, Lexie is having a special dinner for Abe.
Celeste: Alexandra, why are you giving Brandon Walker a present when he tried to ruin your husbandís life?
Lexie: I guess itís my DiMera side coming out. Why? Do you sense a feeling of evil?
Celeste: Darling, I donít need my empathic senses to know that Brandon is not your friend, and neither should you.
Lexie: Get out.
Abe:
(entering) Celeste, itís been a while! (to Lexie) Youíre all dressed up and making me my favorite dinner. What do you want?
Lexie: A baby.
Abe: Well, as I was saying to Roman today--
Lexie: You saw Roman and Celeste in the same day? Wow, all those people that I thought had left Salem are actually hanging out with you!
Abe: I told Roman Iím not ready. And Iím not. And I donít want Stefanoís cousinís white baby.
Lexie: You never cared about skin color before! Why now?
Abe: New writers.

MEANWHILE, Kate and Lucas arrive home.
Lucas: I canít come into this room without remembering what happened not too long ago here.
Kate: It happened almost two years ago! Nobody cares anymore.
Francoís Ghost:
(entering) Hue think no-bady cares? HíI will hant hue antil Samanda Brady híis proven ina-cent.
Kate: And it still might happen. She suspects us of framing her.
Francoís Ghost: I wander why.
Kate: It would have been fine if Lucas hadnít been consumed with guilt.
Francoís Ghost: Shame on hue, Lucas. Who-efer taught hue to haf hía conscience?
(suspicious and annoyed) Haf hue been han-ging around híyour Horton reladives again? (dreamily) I wish híIíd man-aged to brea híup Boanope.
Lucas: Iím not gonna stand here and listen to this. See you later!
(Lucas goes to Brandonís apartment building.)
Lucas: Sami! Hey, Sami! Did it work?
Sami:
(appearing, delighted) Yeah, just like we planned! I told Brandon that Henderson saw Roberto at the strip club and he laughed so hard he passed out. (high-fives Lucas) Weíre good!
Lucas: Thereís no better scheming team than us!
(disgusted) But doesnít it kind of concern you that people actually believe that a good murder story hinges on the butler being at a strip club two years ago?
Sami: I try not to think about it.
(hugs Lucas) Iíve missed you so much!
Honestly, I donít know which is worse, my flirting scenes with Brandon or my lovey-dovey scenes with Duh-Boy.
Lucas: I missed you, too. Iíve hardly done anything since we randomly decided that we werenít best friends anymore but play kissy-face with Nicole.
Sami: That reminds me!
(grabs a hidden duffel bag)
Lucas: Whatís this?
Sami: Replicas of your brain and spine, and my heart and conscience. Weíll need them tonight.
(They run off into the night and meet John, Marlena, Bo, and Hope.)
Lucas: I thought none of you were on the show today?
Bo: Well, we arenít. But it wouldnít be right to do this kind of thing without us.
John: And thatís a fact. But Sami-girl, I think youíre too young for this.
Sami: No! Mom, Iím coming. I know Iím part of the younger generation but between us Lucas and I have been on the show for fourteen years.
Lucas: Besides, ClayZebra really likes us.
(Sami nods in agreement, and all six hide. Two men approach from opposite directions and run into each other.)
Man1: Watch where youíre going!
Man2: Sorry. I was just thinking about my next script.
(grins winningly) Iím a soap opera writer.
Man1: I know that, Tom! Iím Ken Corday! Your boss!
Tom: Sorry. I sometimes have trouble remembering things when I take this many drugs at once.
Ken: The price you pay for inspiration.
Tom: Yeah, I guess so.
(suddenly excited) Hey! Letís take our two longest-lived, most popular couples and break them up! Then weíll rape the man from one couple and the woman from the other and have them conceive a baby on a submarine! Wonít that be romantic?
Ken: We already did that.
Tom: Oh. Then letís work on the younger generation. Weíll have a long-lost twin brother of our most popular younger character that everyone has been dying to see. Weíll perform a real casting coup, get a guy who makes teenage girls scream and looks like he could really be the twin of his onscreen sister and can act to boot, and then NOT EVER GIVE HIM A PERSONALITY so heíll leave as soon as his contract is up never really having had a storyline. Then we can take our popular young couple and re-write history so she goes off into the sunset with a man twice her age, and the villains in that story can become a sucker who canít figure out why his wife married him and a one-dimensional bitch who finally gets her rape victim to fall in love with her!
Ken: Did that, too. Think harder.
(Just then, six masked figures step into their paths.)
Tom: What do you want?
Woman1: My spine!
Woman2: My spunk!
Woman3: My conscience!
Man1: A brain with no microchips in it!
Man2: A brain, period!
Man3: My temper! Used to be hard to control, but I kinda miss it.
(All six simultaneously fire their guns. A figure falls.)
Tom:
OH MY GOD!!! YOU KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARDS!
Man3: Stop whining!
(shoots him too)
John:
(dropping mask) Bo, you didnít have to do that. We could have made him our puppet once we got rid of Kenny.
Bo: (dropping mask) Sorry, Man. Itís just that as soon as Kenny died, my temper came out of nowhere.
Hope:
(dropping mask) I know what you mean, Brady. I feel different, too.
Marlena:
(dropping mask) We have time to deal with this later. Letís get rid of the bodies.
(They dump them off the pier.)

End of Show
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Disclaimer: This page is for entertainment purposes only and has no affiliation with Days of Our Lives, Ken Corday, or NBC. The characters and storylines parodied are under copyright by them and are used without permission here. The parodies themselves are written and copyright by me. Again, this page is intended to be fun, so please don't sue me.
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