Wednesday, March 08, 2000

All is right with the world: Al Gore is cleaning up in the primaries and Austin said "uh" 14 times in one sentence (I counted. I really do need to find something better to do with my spring break, huh?). Austin gets line of the day:
"I'm having a hard time forming my words."

Abe's hearing is wrapping up.
Lexie: Abe, I wanna be here for you. Isn't Brandon, who happens to be the cause of all of your problems, wonderful?
Benny: Mrs. Carver shouldn't be here.
Brandon: No, I want Lexie-
Benny: So that's what this is about-
Brandon: To stay.
Benny: You're cold and calculating, but you are smart.
Brandon: I wasn't aware that calculating and smart were generally mutually exclusive.
(to the room) My only demand is that Abe Carver not lose his job.
Lexie: See! Brandon is wonderful. That was not at all suspicious . . .

MEANWHILE, everyone wakes up at the Kiriakis Mansion.
Lucas:
(as Nicole drinks from her bedside liquor cabinet) How do you feel about me?
Nicole: Gee, guess.
(Lucas rolls on top of her.) Get off me!!
Lucas: What's wrong?
Nicole:
(after ten minutes) Um, cramp! Yeah, that's it.
Lucas: Must be. I know that you're passionately in love with me. The signs are all there.
(Starts to kiss her.)
Nicole: I feel better. Go take a shower! A cold one!
(next room)
Victor: Kate. We shouldn't be married while I can't perform. What if you want more children?
Kate: First of all, why would I want more considering what the ones I have are like? And second, we used artificial insemination for Philip anyway.
Victor: Don't confuse me with the facts.
(guest house)
Sami: Austin, you spoil me.
Austin: I'm fairly sure you were already spoiled by the time I met you.
(Near-sex ensues, and it's disgusting.)
Austin: Wait, uh, I'm, uh, having, uh, hard, uh, time, uh, forming, uh, my, uh, words.
Sami: This is different from normal how?
(All enter the dining room.)
Sami: And I had a dream that I rescued my family. I rescued Mom, and John, and Eric, but Belle fell out of the row boat and drowned.
Nicole:
Oh my God! You killed Belle? You bastard! It must be because you're sexually frustrated. I know Austin isn't getting any; haven't you seen how he looks at me?
Sami: He feels sorry for you.
Nicole: Sounds similar to how his relationship with YOU started, right?
Lucas: Forget about all that. At least Nicole and I are in love and *satisfied*.
Victor: Lucas, I used to like you, but that's enough. Move out of my house within thirty days, and that goes for the rest of you, too.
Lucas: It's not my fault. I was enjoying my breakfast and Sami started with me! Why, Sami?
Sami:
(crying) Please, please, I'm so sick of acting with Duh-Boy! My scenes with you are so much better!
Lucas: You're just jealous because you can't find anyone stupid enough to commit to you.
Sami: This is Salem. There is no "can't find anyone stupid enough" about anything.

End of Show
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