Monday, March 06, 2000

Oh, gag me, gag me, gag me. Be warned: this synopsis contains Austin and Sami kissing.
Do not read on a full stomach. Sami does get line of the day, though: "Austin, in case you haven't noticed, I've been throwing myself at you for years." They don't call him Duh-Boy for nothing.

Austin and his rapist (or is that Sami and her sister's reject?) are chatting.
Sami: . . . And Will asked if he'd be as tall as you, and I said it was more important that he try to be as stupid as you, because then he'd be a chick magnet. Family is so important. I'm so worried about my Mom and Eric. John and Belle can rot on the island, though.
Austin: At least Bo called you and told you what was going on, since apparently your twin radar is broken.
Sami: Well, I did feel a disruption in the Brady Force, but I thought it was just the aftershocks of all that Rapid-Aging Syndrome.
Austin: Well, I can make you feel better! Let's go to Green Mountain Lodge! You know, the place I always used to go to make out with your sister!
(They go.)
Austin: Sami, you've done so much for me. Why do you look skeptical?
Sami: Because you spent six years telling me you'd never love me and my schemes weren't going to make you love me.
Austin: I was wrong. It happens a lot.
Stranger: It's nice that they're in love. Nothing wrong with being crazy in love.
Sami: Not even if it makes you destroy your sister.

MEANWHILE, Abe gets ready for Brandon's harassment hearing.
Abe: Lexie, this nightmare will be over in an hour.
(Lexie bursts out laughing and leaves; hearing begins.)
Brandon: Abe's anger is out of control, not mine.
Judge: Maybe both of your anger is out of control. It's almost as if you're related and it's a family trait.
Abe: BLAH BLAH BLAH TAKE THAT BACK I'M RUBBER AND YOU'RE GLUE!
(There is a recess.)
Lexie: Brandon, what did you do? Abe wouldn't just lose control.
Brandon: Check out his newly rewritten history.
Lexie: Oops, guess he would.

MEANWHILE, Bo storms a castle in France.
Duke: I won't help you. You're an art thief, and if your partner in crime double crossed you, there's no way I can benefit from the situation. Get out. Bo: Okay, but only after I do some serious butt-kicking.

MEANWHILE, Hope is STILL locked up.
Hope: I want to have this baby, that I'm miraculously suddenly pregnant with even though I haven't had sex since mid-summer, with Bo.
Kurt: Why would Bo want to be there? If he loves you and knows you didn't get pregnant by choice, why would he ever support you?
Hope: If this isn't Bo's baby, is it yours? Did you force yourself on me?
Kurt: No, I treat women with respect by locking them up and punching them. Besides, I need you to help me start a new life.
Hope: Kurt is a good and honest man who would never lie.

MEANWHILE, on the island, Belle and Shawn-not-Douglas hear Greta's screams.
Eric: Belle, don't scream or bury your head in Shawn's chest. Just get a blanket to cover the body.
Belle: Oh, I wasn't grossed out by the body, just by seeing my brother and his girlfriend making out. And who wouldn't want to bury her head in Shawn's chest?
Shawn-not-Douglas: Why won't that woman leave us alone? She tried to kill me and my aun- uh, Marlena, can't go calling her aunt if I want to get her daughter into bed! And Greta's just as bad.
Belle: Geez, Shawn, what crawled up your butt and died?
Shawn-not-Douglas: Her mother!
Eric: Apologize for insinuating that Greta's mother shot you and kidnapped your mother!
(Starts hitting Shawn-not-Douglas.)
Belle:
(getting between them) Don't we have enough problems without fighting each other?
Shawn-not-Douglas: Yeah, we do! Your goody-goody attitude, for one.
(Shawn-not-Douglas and Eric beat Belle into a bloody pulp.)
Greta: Oh my God! They killed Belle! The bastards.
Eric: Shawn's just having a tough time with this.
Greta: Can't imagine why.
Eric: Why not bring your mom's body back to Salem and bury her there after delaying the rescue mission so you could bring it to France?

End of Show
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