|December 23, 1997
Happy Holidays, everyone! This year, I got you a synopsis. I hope it fits. :-)
Carrie, Austin, Lucas, and Will are at Salem Place.
Lucas: Well, bye. (he leaves with Will)
Carrie: You miss him, don't you, Austin.
Austin: Yeah . . . . Lucas . . . is . . . so . . . special . . . to . . . me.
Lucas: (meeting Sami and Eric) Remember, Carrie and Mike will never be together.
Sami: Will too.
Eric: (rolling his eyes) Is it just me, or do those two have the same conversation every time? (catching up to them) Sami, I can see through your schemes. Scheming is wrong. Now, let's get Mom and Dad back together.
MEANWHILE, Marlena is with John.
John: Doc, I thought we'd be together at Christmas.
Marlena: Why would you think that? Don't you read Dustin's page?
John: Well, we can at least take Belle to see Santa.
John: I don't know. This lady named Chelsea came running up to me the other day telling me we have a kid and asking me for a check.
Marlena: You are such a good father.
John: Well, I'm off to buy you some lingerie.
Marlena: You ruined the surprise! Men in Salem never buy lingerie for women.
John: Don't worry. You will have forgotten by the time we're together. (now in the store) I'll take this one.
Roman: (arriving) This must mean you and Kristen are back together.
John: This must mean you are very unperceptive. I can't believe I used to think I was you. Then again . . .
Roman: Look, it's Carrie. MY daughter, NOT yours, ha ha HA! You can have Austin, though.
John: No thanks.
Carrie: I was just thinking about that time you snuck into the hospital to see me at Christmas.
Roman: Yes. I was pretending to be dead that year. Understand, Austin?
Austin: Duhhhhh . . .
Carrie: Don't worry, he's used to it.
Roman: Anyway, nothing could keep me away from my kids at Christmas. Except, of course, my desire not to see their mother for most of their lives.
(John has seen Stefano and gone over for a visit)
John: Where is Peter?
Stefano: I told you, I don't know.
John: You tell me a lot. Sometimes I'm smart enough not to believe you. Not usually, but sometimes. And that is a fact.
Stefano: Well, he isn't in the jungle compound because that would be obvious.
John: And I'm too smart for you to do something obvious.
Stefano: What color is the sky in your world?
MEANWHILE, Kristen is at home when Sister Mary Moira shows up.
Sister: Kristen, your soul needs saving.
Kristen: Why is everybody always picking on me? I don't even levitate, unlike some people in this town.
Sister: Levitating? Possession? Do you expect anyone to believe THAT?
Kristen: Well, I'm not evil. I did it all for love.
Sister: (sarcasm) I've never heard that before.
Kristen: Is it my fault you talked to Stefano first? Or Peter or Sami or Eric or Vivian or Tony or Billie or someone?
MEANWHILE, Jack wants to turn himself in. Jennifer tries to stop him.
Jack: I'm sorry, but the only way for me to keep you safe is to leave you alone in snowy wilderness where the insane man who had you kidnapped in the first place is running around looking for you.
Jennifer: I don't agree with you, but I'll just let you tie me up tightly enough that it takes me a few minutes to get loose.
Jack: (screaming) DON'T SHOOT!
rangers: "Don't shoot?" That means, "shoot," right?
Jack: What is this? Are you from Salem or something?
Peter: I'm right next to Jack but for some reason I don't hear him screaming.
Jennifer: Jack, what's the rest of your plan?
Jack: I'm making it up as I go.
Jennifer: That's a bad idea. You might end up with continuity errors, just like my parents Stefano and Maggie always say.
Jack: Then what can we do?
Jennifer: I have an idea.
Jack: Stop the presses!
Jennifer: We can't. None of us work anymore, remember?
MEANWHILE, Laura has been asked to light the tree at Salem place.
Mickey:EVERYONE mumblemumblemumble CAN mumblemumblemumble I mumblemumble HAVE mumblemumble YOUR mumble ATTENTION mumblemumblemumble PLEASE?
Laura: Take the lighting of this tree as a sign of hope.
Maggie: No, a sign of Hope would be two big-
Laura: Not in front of Abby.
Maggie: Then let's all sing. (to the tune of "Oh Holy Night")
All: Oh what a fright
it's just the same as laaast year
when we all wondered where Laura was
now it's her kid
and the man that she loves thiiiiis week
but they'll be found, and we know this because
they have a contract but Peter doesn't
and this plot line can't end in just one year
fall on your knees
and beg for better writers
oh what a fright
a fright, a fright divine.
End of show
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