August 5, 1997

Hey, I swear, it's not my fault this time. I only watched because I was in a store where it was on- "Oh, come on, Hil. We all know you watched because you're a wimp who can't really kick the habit." Who are you, and what are you doing in my synopsis? "That's not important. But I will tell you that you'll keep watching-" What is that? A curling iron? Yikes! Charlie is after me! Help! But Charlie, before you get me, read this. This is how your show really sounds.

Vivian is mourning her lost wealth.
Vivian: I can't believe Ivan called me Miss Alamain. How can he be losing respect for me? Just because I haven't paid him in months and he's supporting me? Soon he'll be having fantasies about me, which he never ever did in the last few years.
Ivan: Miss Alamain, what happened to the rent money?
Vivian: Don't worry. I'm getting a job. And stop losing respect for me.
Ivan: I'll respect you in the morning.
Vivian: Like any guy ever means that.

MEANWHILE, Kate is at home.
Kate: Lucas, where is Austin? Is he with Carrie yet? They'll have a wedding soon, you know. I'm gloating even though your heart is broken. Did you know that some people think I like one of my sons better than the other? Isn't that silly?
Austin: (arriving) Uhhh . . . Sami . . . uhh . . . knows . . . uhh . . . the .. . uhh . . .truth.
Lucas: You're horrible! You really hurt Sami! I should beat you up! Maybe this time the cameras wouldn't show your hand missing me by about a foot.
Austin: Uhhh . . . I . . . uhh . . . am . . . uhhh . . . not . . . uhh . . .like . . . uhh . . . uhhh . . . uhhh . . .what's my father's name again?
Lucas: Curtis! How many times do I have to tell you?
Kate: I'm not taking sides, but Lucas, go away. Austinny-pooh, did woo getwour widdle feewings hurt? Because Cawwie wuvs woo.
Austin: Uhhh . . . she . . . uhh . . . loves . . . uhh . . . Mike.
Kate: Carrie loves YOU. She knows you'd never abandon her to, for example, raise your son with her sister.

MEANWHILE, Roman is gasping and at death's door.
John: I'll do CPR! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine-
Marlena: John!
John: Aren't I doing it right?
Marlena: I just didn't know you could count so high.

MEANWHILE, Mike and Carrie are in their hotel.
Carrie: Just because Mike can't get out a coherent sentence, that doesn't mean he has feelings for me, especially considering this nameless dream girl.
Craig: Carrie? You dropped your boyfriend for MIKE? All Mike is a considerate, cute, rich doctor. I bet your old boyfriend had great qualities.
Carrie: There was that sexy way he said "uhhh". Bye, Craig.
Craig: Bye.
Carrie: If Austin and I get back together-
Mike: WHEN Austin and I get back together.
Carrie: You want him, too? What's with him? I guess a lot of people in Salem like to be the smart one in a relationship.

End of Show

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