July 17, 1997

I didn't see much of Days today, but don't worry. You don't actually have to watch Days to make fun of it. Ain't Charlie great? Here is my transcript of Charlie's latest effort.

Marlena is alone in the darkened room.
Marlena: Oh, my sweet John (gasp). My love (gasp)! I shall have to rely on you and my children to get me through this horrible ordeal (gasp)! What were those children’s' names again (gasp)?
John: I'll save you Doc, and that's a fact!
Marlena: Yes, it takes more than a blackout to defeat John Black.
John: Not much more, and that's a fact.
Marlena: True (gasp).
John: I know how much you love being kidnapped, so I'll have to kidnap you myself, and that's a fact.
Marlena: Now I'll stop fantasizing about Stefano (gasp).
John: Don't worry. Stefano will never penetrate my police protection. And that's a fact.
Marlena: Of course Stefano won't get us. My sweet, delusional John (gasp).

MEANWHILE, Kristen and Stefano are leaving Salem.
Kristen: I could have stayed a good person.
Stefano: Don't be silly. Charlie can't write a triangle with only good people.
Kristen: I'll get John back.
Stefano: If you don't, you'll end up all alone in that mansion. No beautiful woman with tons of money and an Ivy League education, not to mention intelligence, thoughtfulness, and a sense of humor, could ever find a man besides that dolt John Black. Now, buckle your seat belt.
Kristen: Buckle my seat belt?
Stefano: Why do you think I never die?

MEANWHILE, Jack and Jennifer and Abby are reunited.
Jack: I missed you, Abby.
Abby: Dfdnbg djhfjd, dfkjndsk Daddy.
Jack: That's good
Abby: Fdgn fjdkjs skjgrimbv.
Jennifer: I'm so glad Uncle Mickey got you out.
Jack: Mickey did this? (He faints. So do Jen and Abby. They are a family at last. For now.)

MEANWHILE, Sami, Lucas, and Austin are spying on Mike and Carrie.
Sami: They love each other as much as I love Austin.
Lucas: Sami, you need a reality check.
Sami: A realistic person wouldn't last ten minutes in Salem.
Austin: I uh need uh to uh make uh a uh phone uh call. I'll uh use uh Will's uh phone.
Lucas: Every baby should have his own phone.
Austin: (on phone) Mickey uh I'm uh sorry uh to uh bother uh you.
Mickey: (on phone) It wouldn't bother me so much if you at least took acting lessons.

MEANWHILE, Hope and Franco are at Alice's.
Hope: Franco, my heart is breaking-
Shawn-Douglas: (entering) Mom!
Hope: I have a kid?
Franco: Yes.
Hope: Isn't that a lot of work?
Franco: Nah. you only take them out at Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Shawn-D: So are we a family again?
Hope: No.
Shawn-D: I think I'll go throw myself off a bridge.
Hope: Have fun, dear.
Franco: Ope, you'har a grea mudder. Le's go see Jack.
Hope and Franco leave; Bo enters.
Shawn-D: Hi, Dad.
Bo: Hi, Sailor.
Shawn-D: I read about you in the paper. You're such a great dad. Most kids have to learn what their parents are doing by talking to them. But I don't understand why we aren't a family.
Bo: I don't understand either. But you get used to it.

MEANWHILE, Billie is Max's prisoner.
Billie: I suspect this food is poisoned, but I'll eat it anyway.
Max: It will help you. You'll be more like Hope.
Billie: Yeah. Bo likes women who get chained to beds by villains' sidekicks.
Max: Charlie is a sick man.
Billie: True.

End of Show

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