|June 9, 1997
Yes, I was very bad and I actually watched Days today. Now, for all of you goody-goodies who didn't watch today's show, I thought I'd make up for my awful behavior by summarizing it for you.
Kristen is standing in front of the monitor watching John, Susan (dressed as Kristen), and Mary Moira.
Kristen: This is bizarre. Susan's dressed as me, and some nun is dressed as Susan. Remember when things weren't bizarre, back when Marlena was possessed and I was sneaking into John's jail cell in lingerie?
Sister: (on monitor) In our childhood, Susan went to a rock concert and heard someone sing "you ain't nothin' but a hound dog." She was so moved she has her ears surgically changed to hound's ears.
John: (on monitor) Duh . . .
Susan: (on monitor) Is Austin here?
John: (on monitor) Duh . . .
Susan: (on monitor) Oh. (she tucks her long furry ears under her hair.)
Sister: (on monitor) My sister and I are twins. I can sense her presence. She's here.
Kristen: Oh no!!! Daddy! Daddy! Help me! ("Butterfly Kisses" begins to play in the background)
Sister: (on monitor) Susan is here. She's just disguised as someone.
Marlena: (from bathroom) Is Abby here? (sees Kristen) Oh.
Sister: (on monitor) It's - Susan! Why are you disguised as JOHN? Take that outfit off! (She rips off John's clothes and sees that it isn't a disguise.) Oh. Hey . . . wanna do it?
John: (on monitor) No, I'm married. And you're a nun!
Sister: (on monitor) You were a priest.
John: (on monitor) That's a fact. (They begin to have sex.)
Susan: (on monitor) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Kristen: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (She grabs the monitor, and it falls on her head. She wanders around for the rest of the show with the monitor on her head.)
MEANWHILE, Carrie waits for Austin at the lodge.
Carrie: I wish Austin were here. He'd make everything better. A day just isn't complete without the sexy way he runs his
hand through his hair when he forgets his lines. Not to mention hearing him say "uhhhh."
Mike: Yeah, you deserve better. But where are you going to find a cute, thoughtful, rich doctor?
Lucas: (spying, snorkeling in the hot tub unnoticed) Boy, was this a great plan.
Austin: (spying, in the woods) Uhhhh . . .
Lucas: (spying, hanging by his ankles in a tree unnoticed) I'm so smart!
MEANWHILE, there is a group of people around Laura's bed.
Laura: (thinking) Boy, I don't know what's wrong with me. At least Lynn is being attentive to me. Maybe she can talk to my friend Vivian and they can give me intravenous Clorox. They're so sweet.
Jenn: What can we do?
Mickey: I don't know, just wait until you learn to act.
Jenn: I meant about Mom.
Mickey: How 'bout we bring in your toddler to see her grandmother in the hospital. She'll be traumatized- lots of plotlines for the future, you know.
Abby: Thsjb djkab eakjhnf gkjehngv sjkn sa ejaht. Fk sbnfg hgv wyg eh, Gramma!
All: Abby's so sweet.
Mickey: Now, we can let Abby see her Daddy running around in chains!
Jack: Uhhhhh . . .
Jenn: Austin? John? Oh, Jack! I love you so much! I didn't when you were free and making a fool of yourself for me . . . but I do now.
Jack: Oh, Jenn! (He starts to run to her but trips over his chains and lands on his head.)
End of Show
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